Harleigh. I guess it feels like you know everything. It feels like you know when I think of you, or reference your jokes, maybe when I relapse in your name because you know youll be with me no matter how hard I try to get you out of my head. Its not some sweet, guardian angel kind of thing, its like you haunt me. its sick, and it really is messed up, it helps me go insane faster everyday. Everyday I cant wait to crawl into my bed, but why? Why, if I just sit in my misery and rot away, do I always come back to this? I dont feel like I have an answer yet and it always traces back to you. I never would have thought youd cause problems in my relationship, and I clearly never thought past how much you meant to me when I told you what id do if you didnt just treat me like normal. But I guess everything has its possibilites, especially the things we doubt. It feels like during our time together, my heart was larger than yours was. and being as foolish as I was, I handed it, beating and bleeding, to you thinking it would all be okay. then you began to distance yourself, and then you left. It appears you still have what belongs to my chest, even if there isnt anything romantic about us. I cant tell if I want it back or not, but what I do know is your fingertips left tiny little drops of ink that traveled up from the bones of my ribcage to my teeth and to my brain. Youve left a bigger scar than you can imagine, and its somewhere death and i would have to meet for me to truly study. both a big fuck you and a big thank you goes out to you, no matter what I do or say or what I want to think. Youre completely welcome back.

2/1/26

Dear Diary, I feel stupid. I dont know what to do or how to control anything. I want really bad to obtain some sort of knowledge or way to fix my life, but by now its a wreck that just wouldnt be worth taking the time to fix. Nobody knows how badly I wanna be dead, and even if they did I doubt theyd care. Everything is so exhausting and cold, im so ready to give up but I think the only thing keeping me here is my bf. and even then I kinda feel like, the scale is getting to be close to even. leaving him is the last thing I want to do, but leaving everyone is the thing I want most. I feel like, honestly, maybe he just might not love me. at least, not enough. We had an arguement not that long ago and I felt a sense of fear the entire time, and idk maybe he did maybe he didnt feel the same way. im so scared of him leaving me that the first thing that comes to mind when he might even possibly think about it is suicide. He keeps on saying I shouldnt be with him and that im wasting my time doing so, but without him what even am I? Nothing and nobody else makes me as happy as him so I see no point in anything else either. I dont want friends, I dont want a partner, I dont want family or kids or people or drugs or food, all I want is my boyfriend and money. Im so extremely conflicted by everything, and everything overwhelms me, and my life is gonna stay a mess till its gone. I have so much courage and all of it goes into the courage of killing myself, so idk why I try. I could see 15 feet and I wouldnt jump down, I could see a spider and id scream and run away, I could get into conflict and refuse to confront them, but im not scared just to slit my wrists. I make no sense and despite my ego, im not proud of it. im the best example of a failure that I know, but at least im good at one thing. my grades are both improving and dropping, but the only thing anchoring that is pretty much my mom. I absolutely have no motivation to do anything in school, per usual. im good at nothing, and as long as it stays that way ill be miserable, but safe. its gonna be that way forever.

2/8/26

Dearest diary, เ havent written to you enough, you and เ both know that. you barely receive anything from me like my mouth's shut, but know เ come to you on my worst days. the past few days, maybe even months, have been kicking my ass left and right. เ cant get over harleigh and เ still think of her, เ feel trapped into everything เ do and rarely say no because of how bad my confrontation skills are, and overall เ just feel like a skittish stray on the streets. alone, bored, aggressive, pathetic, everything that makes me up is an insult to anybody else. เ have begun to relapse more and more often, if it even is a relapse. ive never truly hoped to get well because เ know deep down เ wont stick to anyones wants or thoughts about my skin. เ could say my body my choice but thatd be a bit corny, เ guess. what im trying to say is เ just cant get away from it so ive given up on trying in the first place. เ think theres not really any hope for me because เ am destined to rot away in my room. เ dont go out, and when เ do its always, quite literally always, going to the gas station for a drink. maybe once in a while ill get a snack, but เ think im fat and throw it away every time เ do. I fail, and I fail, and I fail. Nothing goes my way. I feel so insanely bored of the same day, same people. The only person I can ever feel anything toward is my boyfriend because without him I feel useless, like a dent in my scalp appeared and I just dont know anything. Dont get me wrong, Id rather get a piercing done with a belt hole puncher and I love this man to death, but I also kinda feel stupid for allowing myself to feel love in the first place. idk what to do or say sometimes, and my personality as a whole is so different when it comes to him. Im so used to ignoring people, shutting people out, not caring about anyone, but he helped me feel something so I guess, in return, Ill be vulnerable.
2/24/26

Dear Diary,
Today was so rough. Why can't people see I'm struggling? Why can't I just be normal? Either way, I just can't make myself care much anymore. For anybody or anything. I might kill myself soon. It's not even in an attention grabbing way, it's that I am genuinely considering it. My boyfriend doesn't love me anymore. I have to tell him to say it to me when I say it to him, and when he doesn't I just go into so much overdrive to the point of harming myself. I get high to forget that I can't keep love. I have no friends, I'm a jobless mentally ill shut-in loser, and I'm a boring, ugly, fat, pathetic little girl. Why WOULD anybody love me? I feel like if anyone saw me the same way I saw myself..I'd just see nothing. Nobody would want me. Just to break down all that's happening in my life, it's basically that: I am failing school, my dad was ripped away from me and now I have to testify against him in court, my boyfriend hates me, I have relapsed a billion times now, and I'm prepared to kill myself. Isn't that so stupid? The only thing stopping me by now is the chance that my bf would rebound and start loving me again. But even then, I'm just considering leaving everybody so nobody gives a shit when I'm gone. His own best friend and a couple others are always hinting that I should leave him, anyway. But I still love him regardless. I hate my life so extremely bad.
3/11/26

I think that I can feel myself slipping away. I dont know if im staying much longer, and I dont know how much longer im gonna keep anybody around. No matter what I do or say nothing seems to make me happy. Everything is going wrong in my life. Nothing wants to be better so I just wont kill myself. Nobody knows, but last night, I tried. I slit my wrist from my forearm down to my vein. I tried to press down harder, but all I could manage was a little bit of pressure. I was too high to really so anything, but it hurts. My vein stings and tingles—Its a bit exposed. But I just cant care anymore. Ive spent too much of my life doing that, and so im quitting. I dont care if it gets infected. I dont care if anybody leaves me. I just want it all to end so I dont have to suffer anymore. I dont care if at my funeral im called selfish. I just want peace, and clearly I cant get that anywhere in this world. I cry everywhere, I spill blood on my floor and I dont clean it up. By the end of this year, I really hope that im dead.
3/21/26

Dear Diary,
today is the day after I reached out to 988 for the first time in my life. It didnt help me much or really at all, but I think ill call again tonight or some time soon. I really need a distraction in my life so I dont end it all. honestly, I acknowledge that that is pathetic of me. I acknowledge that me needing something or someone to keep me stable is stupidity, especially when they dont actually want me. I dont think I know what to do anymore. I think that I am just not fit to do anything. Im bad at socializing, im bad at love, im bad at friendships, im bad at hobbies, so I guess that that's all Ill ever be, even if I wanna be more. I havent had the motivation to talk to anybody, and when I do I always feel let down. the closest ive had to feeling okay was when he loved me, but now it all feels fake. It feels forced, and I feel like by now its a waste of time. Its clear to see he just doesnt anymore. He doesnt even want to. So I wonder if he'd care if I was even alive anymore. I dont think id even bother to send him my last words before I did it. Hell, he talks to his friends more than he does me. Does he know how much that hurts me? I feel like even if he did he wouldnt care. I feel, with him, more like a sometimes trophy and constant thing on his plate rather than his boyfriend. Last night a couple hours before I called, I broke down in his dms begging him not to leave me because I was just so emotional at the time, and even though his dm is closed and has been off and on my list, I read back and think "wow im letting a boy ruin my life." so now I'm questioning whether im gonna be okay if I left. Id love him even after, but I guess if he doesnt want to trust me or love me anymore, thats ok. I dont want to force him to do anything anymore. I dont want to force myself to do anything anymore. I dont eat I dont sleep i dont cut i dont do school, the most that I do is be on my phone. Hhhh sigh Ok kms

3/31/26