Femurman's Chart

"Where's that bastard!?"
"He can't have gone far!"
"I'm gonna gut him like a fish!"

You'd likely be surprised how often Femurman hears these words on a daily basis. Some variety of the above plagues him wherever he goes, and that has everything to do with his lifestyle.

Sitting crisscross in an alleyway, one arm scratching his crotch, the other laying somewhere down the street, Femurman considered all variables on if he should peak out from the alley to see if his attackers were still after him.
First issue was that he didn't actually feel like beating them up, he was on an actual errand (for once) and couldn't spare the time. Also, his heart just wasn't in it today. He'd do it tomorrow.
Second issue was that they were clearly male and therefore there was nothing to look at.

"Welp. Guess I'd better wait it out."

Taking out a small notebook with his working arm, he reviewed the names and descriptions within. Some old bum gave it to him and told him to deliver it to another bum under some stinky bum bridge.
(Why, yes, he IS literate!)

"Heeeey... I think I know some of these losers!"

Mika Mori

"Man. Mika is soooooo hot. I think she really has a thing for me, you know? Heh, we have this flirty thing. I fight her JUUUUST enough when she catches me, to make her THINK it's gonna get good, and then I get away before it starts getting good. I appreciate that hidden rage and the lust for me she hides even better. She's so cute when she wants to strangle me..."

Kaguya

"Ooh, the OTHER Overseer cutie! It's like being sexy is a requirement for them, or something. Yeah, Kaguya's a bit more annoying than Mika because she really goes nuts for me. We get a bit of a good fight in, too, but then other dudes start surrounding us and I dip. I like my sessions with beautiful ladies 1-on-1. RESPECT to her waking me up when I'm asleep in a dumpster before trying to capture me."

Aoi

"1 time's a outlier, 2 times is a coincidence, 3 times is a pattern. They most certainly choose Overseers based on looks, and I'm all for it. Aoi's my least favorite, though... not a good fight, harder to build up our sexual tension. Don't tell anyone but I'm kinda interested in the chains thing she has going on.
...I think she'd make a good mom."

Miko

"I'd give her a purpose, you-know-what-I'm-saying? I'd keep her body together, if-you-catch-my-drift. Really though, as an exorcist? She ain't my thing. They're kinda boring. And she's a SUPPORT exorcist. Booooring."

Senguru Sashimi

"She has a thing going on that I'm not so sure I like. I like her sassy, cute attitude, but I can just smell something... ambiguous within her.

Like a sentient tapeworm.

I'm still willing to give us a chance.

Also, she's an exorcist. Simply not a fan, as you know."

Iku

"Another cute exorcist. Well, she's adorable, but kinda cranky in an off-putting way. Also, I heard she can make people younger! I should visit her within the next 200 years if I become less of a silver fox and more of a raisin. Being an exorcist makes her boring, fightwise. 200 years is a long time, though, hopefully she'll pick up something fun when I have to see her."

Waffu

"A fate worse than death. IMAGINE drowning in ladies, and being a dickless umbrella who can't put up a fight. I would kill myself and I'm not joking. Good for him that he keeps going, not sure why he does, but good for him. Maybe I'll invite him to be my punching bag on one of the days where I'm more bored."

Kaine

"Maaan, the Beast Hunters were so disappointing to me. They have such a lack of bodacious beastly babes. I wanted ladies who can rip my limbs off. Teaches a valuable lesson in expectations, huh? Speaking of, I think this one is the worst of 'em. It looks like a girl, sounds like a girl, but there's just something wrong with it. I get the same feeling from them that I do from someone else, and I can make the connection. Still, a good fight I wanna have."

Yunlãw Jìn

"I know him, he's with the Jiahao! Man, they're literally the best. Love those guys, and I really love their ladies. Some of the best fights of my unlife have been with Jiahao meatheads, so I don't think he'll be much of an exception. Hope we see each other soon. Although, with him as a Beast Hunter, that means I can't easily tag along with 'em if they head off to the greatest fight ever. I'd rather fight the greatest fight ever at my best, not after a hard day of attempted murder. Guess I'll need him to have a sick day if that happens...?"

John "Master Chief" Halo

"Ooh, I heard he's on good terms with the Jinhao? I know what that means. Buuuut I've also heard something I don't like. They say he only goes all out against Chimera! Can you believe that? I'm the only dude allowed to sandbag as much as I like! Especially because I know when to take off the training wheels! Ugh. Maybe I can pretend to be a Chimera so he'll try to kill me or something. I'll figure it out."

Maihime Amajiro

"HA! Funny story with this one. They're a bum, but unlike the bum who's paying me, they're a bum who wants to get paid. Once came up to me, said 'I skipped out on my escort fee'. I laughed in their face! Told 'em my 6th sense wouldn't allow it. Anyway, then I told 'em I would pay them for fighting me.

Left halfway through the fight and didn't pay.

See, that's a strat I have to use a lot. The angrier someone is at me, the more they want to kill me the next time they see me! Helps me get more mileage."

Chi Shinn-os

"One of my favorites. Her autism is just SO cute... I could stare at her and listen to her ramble for hours! Shame most of the time I get to hear her ramble is when I'm on a ledge of a building, waiting to jump the guy she's working for. I ask my weird employers if they'll pay me to kill whoever employs her in particular, so I can fight and be with her! They don't always agree to pay me... Sometimes the murder works out, sometimes it doesn't, I always get away, I always blow her a kiss. Fantastic fight, too!"

Andrew Brunet

"Weird guy. Read the whole book his goons handed out on a slow day where I got my legs ripped off and had nothing else to do, and the paradise it was selling didn't have a whole lot of fighting and ladies. There was another book I read (same slow day) that at LEAST gave you 72 ladies in paradise. I think I'll stick to infinite ladies and infinite fighting once I figure out how to get immortality. Also, for some reason, this guy really has beef with me? Not like I'm complaining. He can try and kick my ass anytime."

Aziz

"Yeah, I know that hobo. Started talking shit to me one day while I was drunk and with a beautiful lady. Said how he was the greatest martial artist ever, and how he can beat anyone with one finger? If you ask me, it kinda looked like he needed to develop his core more. Woulda put him in his place but my hand was already on this girl's ass and she was leading me to a dark room... oh, she took my kidneys, by the way. Grew 'em back. Would let her do it again."

Kuiara Tamenai

"Another one of those people who give me the wrong vibes. You know what I'm talking about. Yet... I feel pity for them. As if they'd lost something I hold great value in. Anyway, whatever. Pretty sure they're hiring people to do shady shit, like my employers. They seem more like one of the yakuza types, which I'm not sure if I'm down for? Not into those kowtows and clans they have. Or strict business. Seems like a good fight too, so I'm torn. Oh well. At least I know the job market has plenty of opportunities if I get canned."

Hayato Taida

"Oh, he's one of those hired sword guys? Yeah, that's kinda my style, but not really. They're assassins AND bodyguards. I'm an assassin, bodyguard, AND a blemish on society. No one's ever taken me up on the bodyguard thing, though. Not sure why. Also, a good job opportunity. Fantastic job market here, I'll never be out of one! Goes without saying, but I want to fight him. Heard some good rumors about his swordskills, and I know a thing or 2 about martial arts. His is a very rare art."

Femurman

"HEY, that's me! This must be a list of really cool people if I'm on it."

Xana Redsilk

"One of the closest things I have to a coworker, I guess. Pretty sure we're hired by the same people to do the same thing, but her method is WAY different. Lacks one of the two crucial components of my lifestyle. Also, mostly works through a whole bunch of underlings. Despite our shared employment, my brand of problem solving makes it so she doesn't like being around me when I solve problems, so we're pretty distant. Did we do the deed? I'm 99% sure."

Kyomi

DISCLAIMER: In Femurman's previous tier list, she was mistakenly placed in 'would (sex)' due to me missing the fact that she's genderbent. Her actual placement would be a new tier, titled '*sniff sniff* somethings wrong (wouldnt fight)'!
"Her? The v-tuber? Gives me bad vibes. First of all, I like my women real. Second of all, even without my 6th sense kicking in, I can tell that something's wrong. I really don't trust any v-tuber, because ANY of them could be not what they say they are. She's no exception. Heard about her smuggling, though. I may find a use for protection one day, but really, who needs it? Also, unfightable."

Shukisame

"The OTHER closest thing I have to a coworker, and definitely closer than Xana. We're kindred spirits, me and him. We both really like fighting! Anyway, the bossman tells me to cause chaos, he tells Shukisame to cause chaos, we cause chaos. We can probably cause chaos just by fighting each other! I should try that one of these days. Start a nice, friendly, rivalry! Oh, and between you and me, he's... kinda boring? I like fights to the death as much as the next guy, but I also like using my secret sword. He just uses his public sword. And nothing else. Bet he's gay."

Jaki

"Who... who even is this guy? He means NOTHING to me. I do NOT care about poisons. I do NOT care about anyone who isn't a cute girl or strong. I do NOT care about a ninja who isn't part of the ninja babes, LET ALONE a male ninja. I have NOTHING to say about him- oh, I said a lot, actually. Wait... he's a prodigy of sorts, right? Huh. Guess I'll check on him in 50 years."

Madoka Magica

"No comment.

...Fine, I'll comment.
They're... a friend of sorts. We both work with the ninja babes. They're the telescope, I'm the hammer. I think they also have the same goals as the people who pay for my meals and roof and medical bills. And believe me, if I need to pay medical bills, I can't pay them myself. Something I can't heal from is a serious pain to treat. So, for the needs of the ninja babes, and my bosses, and me if I need detective stuff, I must work with them.
But don't get me wrong. I don't like 'em.
NOT a good fight, and that dick has a DICK! And can you BELIEVE some of the ninja babes prefer them over me!?"

Kooky Kamiya

"Oh, I know that nerd. He's like that Aziz hobo, but instead of putting him in his place whenever I get around to it, I'll wait for him to reach some of that potential he sucks himself off over. What's the point of understanding how someone's gonna punch you if they're gonna punch you and there's nothing you can do about it? Nerd."

Joe White

"Literally who is this guy? This is the Jaki situation all over again. At least he seems chill. Ah, he sells that stuff that makes you drunk and boosts your energy and stuff right? Cool. Guess I have reason to buy something from him. Or steal it. Don't think I'll be too impressed by the martial arts half of tubby's shop."

Ren

"Some twink who spends his time servicing men. I think he's going into politics? Eh, I don't think I can justify killing him like some of the other politicians. Antagonizing him and his bodyguards could be fun, I hear he's pretty important."

Logan Ace Attorney

"Some detective, I think. I already have one that I hate but is in-house. Doesn't seem like an interesting fight, either. Maybe him shooting lasers at me would be cool? I've never been into the whole Conduction thing. Seems like it's for nerds.
Heh, wait, wait. Conduction? More like Cuckduction! Concucktion? ...Bunsduction? ...I'll figure out something to insult those nerds."

Hajun

"Some hobo in need of a job. I'd pay him pocket lint to be my on-call sparring partner. Think he'd accept? Is being my on-call sparring partner morally bad? I think he cares about shit like that. Meh, I'll pick a fight with him eventually."

Shinka

"Why do we NEED to kill all the Chimera anyway? So what if they get a little hungry? Let them eat the bums! I mean... LOOK at those babes! They're hot! I'd let her capture me anyday, and then I'd give her an army to take down the city. That offer applies to any cute Chimera girl out there!

The Ninja Babes

"They love me. They don't want to admit it, but they do. Any second now, they're gonna ask me to solve their population issue. And so what if their family tree is a family hedge? They're cute. Clearly, those genetics are working.
Also, I have never interacted with the lucky little twerp once. Don't even remember what he looks like. All I can do is envy the fact that the bastard is gonna be drowning in his cute cousins and sisters. ...Yeah, I'll protect him. If anything happened to him, the babes would probably hate me."

The Guys I Really Like To Fight

"Good ol' Jinhao. My type of ladies, my type of fights, and my type of fighting ladies! I always try and leave 'em alive. They wanna fight me, and they're more useful to me if they keep wanting to fight me! Besides, it won't bite me in the ass. I'm sure the ladies wouldn't kill me. They love me. The guys? Oh, they'd most likely probably totally kill me if given the chance."

Lloyd

"The Overseer pattern continues, in that they continue to hire those who look like attractive women. Sadly, this one's just a twink who looks like a woman. What's the point of the looks if they don't have the equipment? I remember arrows plinking at me from away a couple days ago when the cops hit the scene, pretty sure it was him. Which is expected because bows are for sissies. Think I saw those weighted straps, though. Maybe he can actually fight? I'll jump him one of these days and see what happens."

Tsukuro

OH, that cutie Iku actually DOES have a good fight nearby! That's really convenient! I prefer fighting martial artists, but I guess the guys who wave around sticks in your face have to be second place. Not sure if I should hit on Iku and THEN fight him, or fight him and THEN hit on Iku. I'll figure it out."

Toshiko

"Nice, a cute country girl! I've always wanted to go out into the Tribelands and find some exotic ladies, so the fact I can get a sample back at home is great! Seems like a good fight, too. Not a big fan of yo-yos, maybe she can change my mind. Although, I'm a little tired of so many people showing up with Divine Hand. Sheesh, try something else. That shit is so outplayed."

Ootori Tsugumi

"Ah, NICE. A cute professional! I don't really pay attention to useless things like history, but I have heard that she has some sort of past as a traitor? Plenty of ladies end up as traitors once I make my smooth moves, so that's fine by me! Heh, a bit wimpy, but seems like she'd be a good fight, too. I definitely need to keep my eye on her. I mean, I always keep an eye on the ladies, but... you know what I mean."

Faisal

"My Overseer selection hypotenuse has been proven correct time after time! ...Mm? No, I definitely said that right. Multiple arms have never scared me off before, and ones that spew fire haven't, either. Seems like the same old Overseer game with her. Do think I have to be a bit more careful, though. More likely to kill me than the others, don't have to do as much to make her go apeshit, and less fun of a fight. Kinda grinds my gears. Think I can probably just try and piss her off in an area full of people so I can stare at her longer as she tries to kill me less."

Ayin Fist

"Don't know a thing about her. Saw her picture and her name on a list one of the ninja babes was flaunting next to her honkers. Wasn't paying attention to it, wasn't important. Blocked my view a couple of times. She's hot. Would."

NAMELESS LORD OF FLAME, CHAOS INCARNATE

"WHERE do I even START with this asshole!?
First, he's got no style. Name needs work.
Second, he cuts into my pay. Xana and Shuki do it to, but one gives the world the gift of prostitutes and the other is a good fight.
Third, he's got no skill. Martial arts is REAL skill. Not just spraying flames everywhere.
Fourth, he's annoying. He's some weak nerd, and can't stop proclaiming his strength whenever I see him on the offchance we're in the same area.
I GOTTA kick his ass."

Dick Hasu

"I've seen that detective guy before. Never really seen him fight, just tie people up. But... you know how I got a 6th sense for detecting real women? I got a 7th for detecting martial artists. And that guy... that guy's a martial artist. I can tell. I gotta jump him one of these days.

...Heh. HEH! HAHAHAHAHA!

Dick Bondage.

Oh, I was laughing at my own joke. See, the joke is he's a detective, and he... nevermind, you wouldn't get it."

Isshin

"Hm, some hobo exorcist with a big stick. He's an exception! Usually, all the exorcists are big nerds. He's actually on the cooler side! ...Not that cool, though. I can tell he doesn't practice REAL martial arts. Just some of that pansy karate shit, or some other lame stuff from the human world. I should kick his ass and teach him what REAL martial arts look like. "

Yuki Yaoi

"Some cutie came up to me one day while I was in a black market checking out those doujin things. Turns out, not my style. Like my ladies real, as you know. Anyway, she kept eyeballing me and me some sweaty guy. Lustfully. Almost invited her to go somewhere we could get romantic right there, but I was already on my way out with a girl who purchased some dumb cat cosplay. Not sure what she saw in that sweaty guy, but we all have our flaws. Oh, the girl I left with? Yeah, stole my kidneys. I've lost so many of the damn things. Pretty sure they're useless."

Long Zhi Wen

"One of the BIGGEST nerds in the city. Only second to the turtle nerds the ninja babes told me they hate so much. Funny, the guys I really like to fight said the same thing about the turtle nerds. I should kick their turtle asses one of these days.
...Where was I? Oh. Yeah, I don't care for this nerd. He just sits in his nerd cave, counting coins, or whatever. Who cares? Think I'll go disrupt his supply lines or whatever they're called. Oh, I heard has some weird harem of bodyguards. I should... investigate the cute ones."

Yamata? No. Mizuki.

"Tried selling opium to me before realizing I was one of the Undead it didn't work on. Yeah, that stuff doesn't hit. I think druggies are weird, anyway. I probably should have pretended it did work, maybe she would've accepted a romantic night as payment. Druggies may be weird, but she's a cute druggie. Everyone knows girls are cuter when they're weird."

Dazai, A Simple Buttler

"Saw some of those Six-Finger jokers jump some guy in fancy clothes. Must've been roughing up some rich guy, the usual. Anyway, he totally kicked their asses. Some NICE martial arts I saw! Even saw one of my own! ...Inferior to mine, of course. I definitely need to track him down one of these days. I'm itching for something rare. Hm? Ah, couldn't fight him the day I saw him. See, I was ALSO dealing with yakuza. Something something 'dishonor', something something 'didn't pay the whore'. Not sure why."

Shion

"Ah, she's that Hayato guy's maid? ...Damn, I really should get a maid. I'd hire her to follow me around in skimpy clothes and cheer for me and pick up my limbs... yeah, that would be nice. Something about their outfits is just stellar.
Back to her. She's cute. Wish she was my maid. Seems like a meh fight, though. Don't tell anyone, but Shining Eye's the martial art I wanna fight the most. To TRULY test my skill, because I'm a biiiit predictable. Of course, she doesn't look too impressive at actually using it. Shame it seems almost every user of it is either wimpy, fat, unskilled, or some combination of the above."

Iori

"The only reason I even give the Six-Finger a passing glance! Just to get a taste of Iori, in anyway I can! Antagonize enough of them, and I'm sure she'll come to try and butcher me. Shame she's not a pure martial artist, but it hasn't stopped me before. Looks and skills, what's not to love?"

Moros Redsilk

"I had no idea Xana had a brother. Pretty funny that the bossman has a brothel runner in his pocket with an Overseer in her pocket. Seems he finally breaks the rule of the Overseers that I have so carefully observed, though... I should fight him, just for petty vengeance. ...Nah, excuses don't really work for me, do they? Well, his sister's my coworker, I'm sure it wouldn't take THAT much convincing to stage a fight with me and an Overseer in an area where there's tons of property to damage."

Femurman turned to the homeless drunk he was telling this all to, sitting right next to him the entire time.

"Uh... I have no idea why I decided to tell you any of that."

He nodded.

"Can I go back to sleep now?"

"Yeah, go ahead."