you're 'Non Mono
a name you'd chosen for yourself on short notice after being abducted by cool aliens
who couldn't render your real name in their encoding.
These days you've taken advantage of the surprisingly transferrable skills you learned playing video games
to become a crack pilot and smuggler
of both above board and legally dubious cargo
nothing that'd make the trade federation call for your head on a platter though
you've been running with a co-pilot for most of that time, a few centralized sidereal cycles, probably about six months on earth
an alien with the uncanny characteristics of a black bear from back on earth
round ears and all
you'd swear he was one if it wasn't for two things
he walks upright and talks just fine
and he has exactly the opposite build you'd expect
lithe and light on his feet with an effeminate roundness by your earthly estimation
his name is "Dreughbachcus"
he didn't get why you laughed so hard the first time you heard it
you usually call him Drew
he says the way you pronounce the rest is like nails on a chalkboard to him
actually he said it was like the call of a horny mahguol
apparently that's bad
you're on a contract to smuggle federally legal "aphrodisiacs" to a planet called andross 32
there really were 31 other planets named andross under the federation
space pizza must be bitch to get delivered
the stipulation of "federally legal" is a sticking point
on andross that shit's 110% illegal
worse than anything you'd ever imagined on earth
that means it's big money
and mostly low risk
mostly
MOSTLY
just don't think about what a life sentence means
on a planet that has no polite words for intercourse
in any language that ever developed there
drew keeps telling you that even if worst comes to worst
you'll both never see the inside of a cell
andross is already on thin ice with the federation

they're not on board with the federation's policies of free speech and unimpeded transit of goods
and definitely not on board with the policy of "free fraternization"
androssians make the westboro baptist church look tolerant and polite
at least they acknowledge sex for the purpose of procreation
there are no favorable records of homosexual relationships in androssian records
mythological or otherwise
barely any that are favorable about heterosexual ones
almost entirely exclusive to the domain of myths and legends
countless stories of prisoners of war
sentenced to be "made women" as an insult to the enemy nation
by criminals who were sentenced to death
no wonder these bugs fetch such a high price
moratellian "lust" mites
the pun is your own doing
one can send a member of just about any species into a mating frenzy
you've got two
they feed on hormones and release pheromones
or was it the other way around
galactic standard speech doesn't distinguish between them
clearly the androssians need them
whoever they're for will probably be the happiest and most fulfilled people on the planet
they're in a small glass ampule full of pink inoculating nano-vapor
drew thought the pink kind of gives it away
it would be way easier to get through customs if it were blue
da ba de da ba di
you enjoy hitting him with references he can't possibly understand
customs actually wasn't a problem
that repressive society means they have no fucking clue what it is
holy shit what do you tell them
uh
it's a space epipen for drew's space malaria flare ups
the customs agent asks
epipen? that's not some kinda ESS TEE DEE, now is it son?
that's the word they call you out on?
nope
drew "helpfully" blurts out
and it's not an illegal aphrodisiac either
you've got to figure out how to get him to stop doing that
it worked though and you're through
to the planetary capital andross 15
it's the only one
it's just been rebuilt 14 times

you're tasked with delivering the mites
to a "speakeasy" smack in the middle of the city
which is really a "sex club"
which means "fertility clinic"
which actually means "quasi-legal hidden sterile room for the purpose of theocratically approved shameful emotionless procreation"
yeah
these people need the mites
the speakeasy is located directly under the giant autocratic government seal
in the absurdly large main square
it just so happens that today is the most important androssian holiday
if you could call it that
it's a hundreds-of-thousands strong gathering of citizens
worshipping the concept of chastity
and celebrating their authoritarian government
for freeing them from "The Necessary Agony"
no one in the galaxy but the androssians themselves know what that actually means
how the hell are you going to:
A. get through this unfathomably large crowd
B. get UNDER the giant object they're all praying and chanting towards
drew acts like an ignorant tourist
pulling you through the crowd and bumping people
and paying no attention to the fact that there's something very important and sacred happening
like you're trying to cut through straight to the other side of the plaza
holy shit
it's working
it worked, actually
now you just need to figure out which paver to press to get in
no you don't
drew's celebrating too early
he just spiked the ampoule like a football
an action you admittedly taught him
SMASH
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
the nanovapor just made sure both you
and your increasingly more irresistible partner in pseudo-crime
each got one of the mites
~FUCK~ ~FUCK~ ~FUCK~ ~FUCK~
you're overtaken by an unnatural wave of primal desire
your dick has never been so hard
drew has already somehow managed to peel himself free of his single piece elastomer bodysuit-thing

you saw the vapor hit drew
but if there were any doubt
it'd be gone now
he's on the ground totally naked, at full mast
and he's spreading his high-contrast pink ass wider than can possibly be comfortable
you're practically pulled to its waiting tenderness
your face goes straight in
without taking a breath
you HAVE to get it lubricated. NOW
your tongue reaches greedily as deep as you can force it to go
what little control you have over your overheating mind and body
goes to making sure every single pliant, elastic surface and fold is covered in a mix of your saliva and his sweat
it's like your life depends on it.
the cute, vulnerable, girly noises he's making >force you into a painful state of near-priapism
It's only been about 30 seconds
you come up for air
and rip down what you usually referred to as your "militarized khaki slacks"
right now they were just "in the way"
the state of your dick would scare you
if you were in any state to care
about the fact that it's redder than normal
and your veins have veins
all you're in right now is drew's asshole
which feels like it's waited an eternity between your last encounter
the tightness with which he's gripping your shaft is unnatural
aggressive
desperate
there's no expectation or rendition of gentleness
as you slam your pelvis into drew's sufficiently round backside
this is all just to make the force that's torturing you both, in a hideously euphoric fashion, relent
even only for a moment
the sounds coming from your black bear boy are only making it worse
your mouth meets his in an attempt to stop the excessive shocks of pleasure
one of your hands leaves its leverage-granting position on his butt
to squeeze greedily at his cock
if what he's going through is even close he might not even need your help
but it's not for him
it's for you
as your tongues search aimlessly around each other for purpose and sensation

whatever supernatural force must have seen fit to create these damned mites
it finally decided to let you out of it's clutches
the friction between the both of you was finally sufficing to grant you relief
there had already been a huge volume of precum that ran freely from drew's dick
and splattered freely from his asshole with each of your thrusts
but finally the sensation that you had been longing for for what felt like hours
signaled that it was over
as ropes upon ropes of your cum were projected into drew
more than had ever come from you before
his own followed almost instantly
absolutely showering him
standing out as perverse pearlescent streaks in his black fur
your senses return to you shockingly quickly as you realize what you've just done
federation be damned you both might get the death penalty
It'd be worth it
then you realize
for a crowd of hundreds of thousands
it's totally silent
as if every single person in it was at rapt attention the whole time
one of the androssian rock-bug men speaks up
is that all? where are the wounds? the Ichor?
another says
is that how they do it? that's it?
another, probably one of their women says
that's why they're so casual about it. I must say I'm jealous
what
the massive crowd produces a deafening cacophony of jeers as they turn to form an angry mob
directed not at you and drew
who's still senseless, slack jawed and drooling beneath you
but at the massive autocrat's palace
the mass of bug-people charge in the fashion of a particularly well coordinated tsunami
they crash effortlessly through the massive doors
they drag out their chitinous theocratic-god-king
who had been waiting on the other side in his vestment-regalia for the signal to proceed with the ceremony
he's literally ripped to pieces
you actually turn away
you check on drew, who's now coming around
he asks "what the fuck happened?"
a couple minutes ago you would have told him he'd gotten you both killed

apparently the government had been exploiting and perpetuating the misconception
that all people in the galaxy shared their misfortune
reproducing by traumatic insemination
and that there's nothing that can be done to ease their burden
that explains the "Necessary Agony" thing
even the men got hurt in the process
the androssian government has known better for countless years
they deliberately chose to let their people continue to suffer
for tax benefits
and "Elevated Autonomy"
no wonder King Tin Pest was treated so brutally
you can't even imagine what it's like to be lied to like that
on that scale
for that long
the federation liaison comes running up to you both, now just barely decent
I should issue a federal condemnation of you two right now
you'd take that over what you'd first expected
It'd mean a few years out of this business
and a permanent black mark against you
that'd be an improvement over torture to death by knife-dicked bugmen
but seeing as what you've done is clearly very politically volatile
we'll detain you and see how this shakes out.
shake out it did and the majority of androssians have come to consider you as heroes
who've given them access to effective medicines
and the ability to reproduce without it feeling like a punishment
this status essentially forces the federation to award you diplomatic honors
usually reserved for treatymakers and first contacts
for horribly irresponsible sex acts in public
you're officially quoted for the records saying
we've given the androssians A New Hope
drew got that one
you've used it on him too many times
no one else did
they'll figure it out if earth ever gets its shit together
you now have a hell of a story to tell at the cantina between jobs
and a romantic relationship with a decidedly non-bear black bear