A Hero Student's Uncertain Dating Prospects
Umeko was bored. Nothing stupid, funny, or painful had happened in the last hour, which admittedly was a new record, but at the same time made it hard to stay awake. She was yawning and everything, and with her missing the first half of classes, she'd end up having wasted an entire school day unless something caught her attention soon.
But against all established principle, 1-F was being totally lame.
Skycarver-sensei had put on a documentary about Saurus' rise to fame and then started staring daggers at somebody outside the window, Tatsuya got sent to Karaburan's office for hate speech, Runt had to get his rabies shots after it came up that he was probably infected, and Suki just up and ditched. Apparently Haiiro had gotten his helmeted head stuck in a toilet somehow, and they needed to get two heroes in to pull him out, but Umeko had slept through it all and didn't get to see. That was bothering her, actually. Anyway, between all of that, the class was feeling emptier than usual.
The only thing that really seemed to be happening was Cube-chan "talking" during the film, and periodically turning to look 'down' into one of the stalls. Well, that's what Umeko thought was happening. Cube was... hard to read.
Umeko yawned. May as well check it out. If it's nothing, I can just hibernate or something.
She plap plap plap'd her way across the walls, peeking in from above. Sharkgirl was busy throwing together notes, periodically positioning her notebook so that Cube could see.
"Huh, didn't take you for a Saurus superfan."
Hisa blinked, finally noticing the new arrival. "No, this is, uh, other notes."
"Notes on what?" Umeko crawled further down the wall, trying to get a better look, while Hisa angled herself on the toilet to try and hide the notebook. Umeko kept crawling, and Hisa kept angling, until the later was bent in half on the toilet seat. Finally, she conceded. "Alright, alright, fine! It's a... relationship chart."
"What?"
"I'm working out who to date, okay!?"
"So rather than talk to people, you're annihilating a notebook?"
Hisa sighed, staring off into the distance. Well, actually, just the TV, but it was still kind of far away. "You think it's easy, right? Getting a date as a high schooler? No issues, obviously, who'd have trouble with that right? So you don't try very hard, you don't play the field, and you end up finding nobody." She clenched a fist. "You take what handouts you can, 'cause you've got no other options, and that's a terrible way to live. No way I'm going gay for pay this year."
"What the hell does that me-"
Hisa steamrolled over Umeko with a force born of bad memories. "So that's why! I'm preparing my dating folders in advance! I'll ensure with absolute certainty - I'm getting a guy."
Umeko hid a smile behind another yawn. This? This might keep me awake.
"So, what's the plan, genius?"
"It's probably easier to show you where I'm at now."
1-D
Nutjobs. Avoid.
Umeko nodded solemnly. How that class functioned was a complete mystery.
Rob Williams
Looking elsewhere?
"Oh, yeah, he's angling for Flying Force, isn't he?"
"He's gay?"
"What?"
The two stared at each other for a moment, before moving to the next one.
Fullmetal
Never seen his face. Freakishly deformed?
"Kinda rude, huh?"
"I mean, why else would he keep that helmet on all the time?"
"Maybe he doesn't want his face associated with us?"
Hisa added "super hideously" to the statement. "Screw'em, then."
Skycarver-sensei
Said no before I even started asking.
"H-hey, stop laughing! It was a calculated risk!"
Bad Touch
Umeko interjected. "He's totally in love with the monk guy."
"Eh? No way!"
"You haven't seen how they look at each other, have you? He blushes and stutters every time!"
"...Tch, always the cute ones."
Good looking, quiet, intense. Bit quirkist, but I can work with that Not Available.
Ulmeyda
No.
"If you don't want'em, I'll gladly support you! I don't need the competition."
Hisa looked up at Umeko, horrified.
"...Just go to the next one. Why does everybody but me have problems with Ulmeyda-kun?"
Hisa struggled for words. "Besides the, uh, everything? ...Fine, onto the next."
Cactus Guy
Seems like a normal dude, but the relationship wouldn't last. Irreconcilable differences. After all, we have nothing in common, in terms of hobbies or preferences, so there's no chance this would work out. A purely physical relationship-no, still wouldn't work, and I wouldn't want one of those anyway.
"Huh, you put some thought into this one."
"I put thought into all of these! This one's the simplest, really. Cactuses are desert plants, sharks live in the sea. It'd be a total disaster."
"...Yeah, that's more like you."
"And that's where I'm at now. I think that just leaves Runt-"
Cube made a heavy metallic screech. Somebody in the next stall over fell to the ground with a loud thump and started cursing. Nobody paid them any mind.
"Runt? Hey, Cube-chan, beep once if you're in for Runt."
Cube-chan beeped, or at least tried. It was really more of a helicopter takeoff, but points for trying.
Umeko put a paw on the floating box. "I'm so sorry."
As Cube vibrated, Hisa smirked. "Glass houses, Ulmeyda-ko, glass houses."
Umeko muttered something under her breath, then thought for a moment. "Wait, aren't you missing one?"
"Nope!"
"Really? I thought there was one mo-"
"Nope!"
Umeko's slumbering braincells finally fired. "Oh, right, yeah, that's everyone in the class."
Hisa sighed, then sat back against the wall. "So there's my issue, right? I've run through just about everybody I know, and for one reason or another, none of it could work. I'm not trying to hold my standards too high, but it looks like I'm fucked here."
Umeko snorted. "That's the exact opposite of your problem."
That earned her a phone-sized shark to the face. A few moments of angry flopping later, it was trapped in a bubble and floating away.
"Sheesh, without Suki, you really don't get any stress relief, huh?"
Hisa wasn't taking the bait, though, which had Umeko glancing over. One more name was written on the page, and Hisa was considering it, deep in thought.
Satoru Tani
Strong, decent-looking, pretty eyes, gives sharks proper respect, I owe him an apology. Perfect option?
Umeko just stared. And stared. The list guy? What?
Slowly, the wheels started to turn. The challenge, the battle against "Flying Force", Hisa's words about Rob, it all became clear.
Umeko saw the whole picture. And, of course, she couldn't help herself.
"...You know, Rob's into Flying Force too. That makes him your love rival."
Hisa shot bolt-upright. "I can't let him take this away from me!"
She slammed out of the stall, sending the door flapping, and did a stumbling run over to where Rob Williams sat.
"You! Worm guy! I know you were angling for him earlier, but I won't lose to you, got it?"
Rob just sat there, processing. After several seconds, he finally pulled together his best response to this challenge! "I don't get it."
Hisa pointed at him, dramatically. "Flying Force, right? You're into him? I'm gonna get him first! You and me, we're opponents now, and may the best woman win."
Rob tried to get his train of thought back together. It was difficult, as Umeko was cackling off in the distance, Cube was screeching, and Skycarver had finally been pulled back down to earth, and was starting to shout something. "Wouldn't that be Kaylee?"
"Kaylee who? And Flying Force is a dude. A dude! I checked! And I'm not missing out on a dude this dating season."
Rob reared back, hands held in front of him as though they'd block the light of Hisa's radiant truth. "F-futa!? Nooooooooooooo! I was told that doesn't happens!"
Skycarver yelled, exasperated. "Sit back down, Azuma! This isn't a drama class!"
Whirling around, Hisa almost poked Skycarver in the eye with her pointing. "No! I won't miss my chance again! You can't send me back to the swamps!" And so she fled, a shark forming beneath her to carry her swiftly to romance.
Skycarver almost followed, stopping himself at the last moment. Instead, he just swung the door shut.
"Anybody else going to storm out of class?"
Nobody said anything, except for Umeko, who quickly tried to stifle her sadistic amusement.
"...Alright. Back to The Saurus Diaries."
After school, as Umeko was leaving, she spotted Hisa crashed against a trash bin. She plaped her way over, to say hello.
"That bad, huh?" Well, that was pretty close to a hello.
There was a groan, and with heroic effort Hisa pulled herself into a sitting posture. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Worst he could have done is said no. Why're you so... this?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"...Ouch."
"Next time, I'll win him over."
"Next time? You never learn, do you?"
Hisa stood up, supporting herself against the trash bin, a burning resolve shining brightly in her eyes. "Shark quirks, skink! We increase our inertia in response to mental trauma! He won't get rid of me that easily."
With a sigh, Umeko plaped away, leaving her classmate to wild plans of romantic conquest. I'll tell her Tani isn't Flying Force tomorrow. Or next week.
She took another look back, seeing Hisa writing furiously away in that same notebook, muttering as she plotted Tani's downfall. Or, well, fall for her, but it would be roughly the same thing.
Maybe next month, after White Day. She's so invested, it'd be terrible to take that away from her before it blows up in her face.