3-0 BTW
It had been a long day. Yoji had just finished exorcising an abortion clinic. Real freaky shit. He would have let those ghost babies destroy it, but they took some whores hostage and after a sign from God (his pocket bible fell out and landed on a convenient passage) he decided to give the whores a second chance and had the babies move on.
Anyway, he was really tuckered out. Those ghost babies were pretty strong; it would have been over for anyone else. Yep, they would have simply possesed anyone with too much darkness in their heart, so Yoji was their kryptonite. Of course, from such an ordeal, he practically had no Demon (Redeemed Demon) energy left.
"Pffft, Vegeta is such a loser. Can't believe he's STILL weaker than Goku!"
WHAT? Who dares speak out against Prince Vegeta IV? Yoji can NOT let that slide. Yoji, enlighten that fool; the narrator commands you!
Anyway, Yoji turned to see the commotion, and saw two kids at a bus stop. They were maybe 12 or 13. They gave the priest no more but a passing glance. Yet, they sensed a strange aura of nagging building up around them...
Yoji stopped, and smirked. He knew more than a bit about Dragon Ball Z; it's a cultural phenomenon! He's not the BIGGEST fan, but he still finds it pretty enjoyable. However, he HATES Goku. No amount of praise for Goku can go uncorrected. And he knew just the way to counter these children.
"Hey, Goku may be stronger than Vegeta, but he still lost to him 3 times! Hah!"
"...Whatever, old man."
The kids ignored him, their mood considerably worsened.
"HAH! My war against Goku continues to go in my favor!"
Yoji celebrated too soon.
"...What'd you say?"
That voice was familiar. Yoji knew it from somewhere, but it sounded... off. Like it wasn't at its usual apex of fury, but was instead building up; a furious volcano of vocalized salt.
Yoji turned around, and sure enough, it was some asshole he knew: Ikari Michita.
"Oh. It's that troubled youth who will die of high blood pressure at the ripe old age of 22."
"I said: Goku lost. To Vegeta. 3 times."
"That's what I thought. Come over here."
Ikari gestured to move to the right; to a vacant parking lot near the bus stop. The two kids who had unknowingly brought misery upon the world had their attention occupied, as this priest seemingly was going to be murdered in cold blood by a psychopath over Goku losing to Vegeta.
Yoji nodded, and both duelists walked parallel into the lot.
Ikari spoke first.
"So, even though Vegeta FLED from Earth, he won that fight?"
"Yep."
"You IDIOT! How does FLEEING from Earth count as a VICTORY!?"
"I never said he won against Earth, I said he won against Goku."
Yoji knew that you should never take the 'Vegeta succeeded in his goal and then strategically fled' route. Too risky; a concession of any argument ruins the debate. All that matters is proving Goku lost.
"Krillin was going to STAB Vegeta through the chest! HOW is that a win!?"
"How is that a win? Heh. Simple: it IS a win... for Team Earth."
Ikari's eye twitched.
"AND GOKU IS ON TEAM EARTH! YOU RETARD!"
"Heh. Just proves that Goku can't win a straight fight. In his solo fight against Vegeta, Vegeta won. 1v1s are all that matter."
"VEGETA USED THE STUPID GREAT APE FORM; THAT'S LITERALLY CHEATING!"
"How is that cheating? He used a technique that belongs to him, and alters his biology."
"BECAUSE GOKU CAN'T DO IT, DUMBASS!"
"If you beat up someone without their appendix, is that cheating? Alternatively, if a lion mauls a man, did the lion cheat? I think not. Great Ape isn't cheating."
"THAT'S RETARDED!"
"You may not like it, but it's true."
Ikari gritted his teeth. He calmed down; just a little. He had come up with a rebuttal.
"DOESN'T MATTER anyway! Goku SPARED Vegeta! Everyone wanted him dead, but GOKU SPARED VEGETA!"
"Heh. Vegeta spared Goku."
"SO? THE BUU SAGA DOESN'T COUNT RIGHT NOW-"
"In the Saiyan Saga."
"WHAT THE HELL?!?"
Those two kids at the bus stop watched in awe. This nagging priest made an obviously false claim to that psychopath's face, AND cut him off? But a thought hung in the back of their mind. What if that claim wasn't false?
"When Great Ape Vegeta held Goku between his hands and had him under his boot, he didn't kill him. He spared Vegeta."
"THAT DOES NOT COUNT! YOU ARE RETARDED! HE INTENDED TO KILL GOKU, AND HE DIDN'T!"
"Wrong. He intended to draw out Goku's suffering. And he did. It's not a loss if your goals change over time."
"SO WHAT WERE HIS GOALS, THEN?"
"He never attempted to destroy Earth in Great Ape form. Clearly, he just wanted to make Goku suffer. And that he did."
"Your head is empty. You are genuinely retarded. Even IF that's the case, VEGETA cheated against Goku! In the Buu Saga!"
"No, he didn't."
"HE DID! HE HIT GOKU WHILE HIS BACK WAS TURNED!"
"Goku was the one stupid enough to give him an opening. If Vegeta took it, that's not cheating."
Ikari smiled, his face contorted into a strange grin. Yoji knew what was coming; Majin Vegeta. Yes, Majin Vegeta WAS cheating. No getting around that. He knew what he had to do; he had to use his trump card.
"WELL, NONE OF THAT MATTERS! VEGETA HAD POWER FROM THAT STUPID WIZARD, RIGHT? HE WAS MAJIN VEGETA! THAT'S CHEATING, YOU PRICK!"
"Yep. Doesn't matter, though. Goku cheated as well."
"WHAT THE HELL?!?"
The kids were in awe, once again. They were going to watch this weirdly knowledgeable priest murder the psychopath with his bizarre headcanon before getting murdered for real.
Yoji took in a breath.
"In Dragon Ball, BEFORE Z... Goku had his potential unleashed. By the Ultra Divine Water.
"THE STUPID SENZU CAT DIDN'T UNLEASH HIS POWER! THE WATER WAS SPECIFICALLY FAKE!"
"Wrong water. The Ultra Divine Water draws out all of the potential of the user; it's how that fraud beat King Piccolo."
"THAT WAS FOREVER AGO YOU FREAKIN' DUMBASS!"
"So? That just means that Goku has been using it as a crutch the entire time; for ALL of Z, AND Super, Goku had his potential unleashed by a magic steroid. He's a cheater. That potential unleased not only CARRIED Goku, but it gave him a multiplier as he trained. Goku cheated."
Ikari said nothing. He merely looked at Yoji with pure rage.
"Oh, and if you wanna say that Vegeta saying he finally beat him at the end of their sparring match counts as a loss for every other sparing match, they could've stalemated. We don't know."
Ikari gritted his teeth.
He clenched his fist.
His eye twitched.
"Priest... You can heal yourself, right?"
Yoji looked at the children at the bus stop, who were filming what would happen next on their phones.
"Damn. They're gonna get this on video."
"...Yes. But-"
"So, anythin' I do to you, you'll just walk it off?"
"...Yes. But-"
"This is your last chance to apologize for your retardation."
Yoji looked at the kids again.
He remembered stories of martyrs.
You must never kneel because of your beliefs.
"I have to say, I'm truly sorry.
That Goku's a cheating bitch."
The door to Cafe Legato opened, and a slightly familiar face entered.
Yoji walked to the counter where you should order, and he was met by none other than Akari Ichioka; the owner of the establishment.
"Huh!? Do my eyes decieve me? The Cursed Priest himself enters my domain? To do battle with a lady, and exorcise her from her own kingdom? Or perhaps to duel her in a battle of faith between philosophies? Or would he prefer to order a cup of Supreme Dark Coffee?"
Yoji was hiding half of his face. He spoke in a defeated tone.
"...What? Uh, listen, I don't normally ask for donations but..."
"Hmm, a donation? You ask for much, priest! However, if it would help the relations between our two opposing sided of Torrential Shadow and Burning Light... I may be able to help!"
"So... I was investigating, and I ran out of magic energy... or mana, or whatever you would call it. So I can't heal myself for the day."
"You have been inflicted with a cursed wound?! T-Terrifying!"
"No, mundane. I just got in an argument."
Yoji brought his hand down form his face, revealing a black eye, a broken nose, and a chipped tooth.
"Can I have some ice?"