Mulch

AND HOW DOES IT TASTE, MY CHOSEN MESSENGER?

Holy shit Arceus, you were right; this stuff is delicious!

I take another bite of the delectable leaves, and while the Razz Berry was yet to have been fully grown, the leaves of the plant were free for the taking!

But as I sniff around for more leaves on this particular berry tree, another, more powerful scent catches my attention: from the ground below.

I sniff more and more until my nose is firmly on the wet, moist ground. The incredible smell is saying my name even louder than Arceus.

I take a bite and feel an indescribable delicacy enter my mouth and work its way down my throat, the tingly feeling energizing me.

Oh my you, this is delicious, I think as I take another bite then another. I was worried about people judging me, the one and only Super-Leafeon, about eating the plants out in the “garden” or, as I liked to call it, “the Free-Snacks-for-Pirth-area," but the stuff beneath the plants tasted even better. Now no one could complain that I was stealing berries from everyone!

I don’t even bother trying to eat the leaves of the razz berry tree, instead deciding to uproot the whole plant just to eat the delicious stuff below it. As I ate it, I could taste minute bits of razz berry aftertaste, adding just the perfect hint of flavor to make the entire experience magical.

Arceus, what is this? It tastes incredible, I think between mouthfuls.

THAT IS MULCH.

I take another bite.

Like the stuff used to make plants grow?

YES. I AM CERTAIN THAT THIS IS NOT EDIBLE FOR YOU.

Arceus, am I not a leafeon? A super-leafeon? Your chosen messenger? Doesn’t that make me the herald of all your plants and life? Isn’t mulch necessary for plant life?

PIRTH, THE TWO ARE COMPLETELY SEP-

That was rhetorical, dumbass. This mulch tastes incredible, and as your top guy, as your number-one grass-type, it is my duty to eat it.

I take another bite, but the extra zest of the razz berries is gone. I decide to move to another plant where I sniff it, uproot it, and eat the mulch below it.

This mulch harvest is bountiful… I can’t believe Giratina blinded me for so long from the wonders of the world.

I hear steps approach, a cautious gait accompanied by a confused one.

Oh! That must be unbelievers who seek to learn my wisdom!

I force myself to not take another bite and turn to the approaching pokemon.

“Uhh, Pirth right?” I hear a familiar voice ask.

“The one and only super-leafeon!” I say with a smile.

I am so glad they are able to recognize me! I guess word of my enlightening sermons about the evils of deerling and sawsbuck has reached far and wide!

“Wh-what are you doing?”

I recognize this as one of the voices I met some days ago: Chespin. He was here in the garden as well. Since I heard a second pair of footsteps, I ask if his funny friend is with him as well.

“Hi Pirth!” I hear a hearty reply from Wooper.

“Knock knock!” I say, but before Wooper can respond I hear Chespin ask him to wait a second before he addresses me.

“I- I don’t mean to be rude, Pirth,” says Chespin rudely. “But I don’t think you should be eating the plants in the garden. They’re meant for everyone.”

Oh! This Chespin guy must be blind like me! I let out a laugh. “No worries! I’m not eating the plants, I’m eating the mulch below them! I swear, this is like a superfood, and the agents of Giratina have been hiding this from us the whole time… wait, you’re a grass type too! Try some!”

“Uhh, no thanks, I’m fine with just berries. And if you could stop uprooting the plants and eating them, that would be nice…”

I stop chewing.

Arceus can you believe this guy?

I CAN. YOU SHOULD NOT EAT MULCH.

I don’t believe it. I guess being in the guild with all these humans made Arceus a little retarded too. Fortunately, I am completely immune from retardation.

“Arceus, shut up and let me enjoy the mulch,” I demand.

“A-Arceus..?” comes the confused reply from Wooper.

PIRTH! YOU KNOW THE RULES

Ah, whoops. I learned my lesson the first time not to mention that you speak directly to me only, I know how jealous everyone gets, trying to make me take potions to shut you up since, hey if they can’t hear your wisdom, no one else can. Jealous losers…

Sadly, I realize what I have to do to rectify this slip up.

“I- I meant Arceus in the, you know, explicative sense! Like saying Deerling as a curse, because, well, what else would they be beside a curse since they're a stain on all of creation and-”

“Uhh, can you just not eat the plants? Or the soil under them so they can grow?”

I swallow my pride. Using Arceus’ Super-Leafeon Abacus of Truth I quickly calculate how long I would have to promise to not eat mulch to prevent these poor, misguided souls from telling the alchemists to make a Giratina-potion which would make Arceus quit talking to me.

“I will give you seventeen and a half days of no mulch eating!”

“Pirth, can you just not do it at all? This garden is meant for people to relax in, and if you uproot plants and make holes, it looks bad,” asks Chespin.

Fortunately, I have known my sister my whole life and do a very good impression of her as I walk away pretending to not hear him say to Wooper, "If he keep it up we'll have to make a 'special' spot for him in the corner."

I can wait out however long I need until I can return to the garden and enjoy my newfound delicacy.

Warning