To my Dearest、 Cassiel。

Hi, darling! I decided to remake this...　Don't worry though!　/double-suicide is still up with my old entries.　I wanted to do something different, and make it neater.　So, here we are!　I hope you like the new set up...

1O。 26。 24 I've been thinking about you a lot today. My friends are probably annoyed. I haven't shut up about you all day...　They think our relationship is really cute though. That makes me happy!　I really love you lots... You're the best thing in my life.　I'm really excited for you to get your phone back! My friends want to meet you...　I also wanna watch ALNST with you! I listened to the music for it but I'm not watching it. I'm gonna wait for you!　I like when you introduce me to your interests.. You should. Like. Make me a list of things you really really like!　If you like them they must be amazing and wonderful just like you!!
I don't know what to make this themed after...　Maybe Soukoku. Wow! Who would have guessed?　Did you know they're literally us?　I know you like Kunizai more but Soukoku can be us too right?　Guess my favorite BSD ship, level impossible!!　Okay I'm getting off topic.　I love how you always cheer me up without even trying. Even when you're offline just looking through our old conversations makes me happier when I'm upset...　Ueueue. I love you so much. You complete me... The other half of my soul.　There aren't enough words to describe this warmth I feel for you...
Adoration, affection, fondness...　There's really not a strong enough word to describe my love. I'll cherish you forever...　Even if your feelings fade, I believe my heart will always belong to you.　I love you, dearest.　With all my soul, with my very being.

1O。 28。 24 Hi again, darling! I did indeed settle on a Soukoku theme. I like the colors!　They feel warm and happy. I think, if my love for you was a color, it would be around this color palette I used!　Warm and soft...　You're so lovely. I love you. Uuuu.. You're so kind to me. I really don't deserve it. I feel like you deserve better than me but. I'm very grateful that you're mine nonetheless..
I'm sorry if I annoyed you this morning..　I don't know if I did but something in my head is telling me I was annoying so. I'm sorry..　It's not like I didn't want you to be online! It was just 3AM your time and you really shouldn't be up that late...　I was happy to talk to you nonetheless. But you really need a better sleep schedule. I'll try my best to help you with that..　I can set alarms for myself to remind you to go to sleep at 9-10ish your time.. That would be 12-1 my time, so I'll probably be able to do it!　I want to help you..
I love you.. Ue Ue Ue.　You're wonderful and nice and kind. You treat me like a person..　That's like. The bare minimum. But I'm over here swooning over the fact that you treat me like I matter. LOL?!　It means a lot to me it's kind of pathetic..　But you don't mind right? I love you so much.. You're the best husband ever can we never divorce!　I've been listening to a song non stop lately because I wanna be the number one listener on last fm..　It's literally us in the real?!　It's my favorite song now.. I don't think I'll ever not like it. Because I can't listen to it without thinking of us so how could I ever get sick of it?

1O。 29。 24 I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but I'm feeling pretty bad today..　I don't know. I'm sorry.　Anyway, when you said you loved me so much it hurts, I understood that a lot.　When I'm away from you, it feels like a burning pain in my chest. It hurts a lot, like a piece of myself was torn away from me. It's so dramatic, but it's true.　I feel kind of selfish for this I'm sorry. I hope your break is helping.. Don't forget me while you're offline. Ue Ue Ue. For some reason I'm really paranoid about that. It's so unlikely to happen but I'm scared you'll come back and be like "Who the hell are you?" (/ref) or alternatively "Yeah I thought about it during my break and decided that I'm breaking up with you Goodbye." IT'S SO STUPID I'M SORRYYY UUUUUUU...
I was worried last night for another stupid reason too. I was talking to Aya and Lolita about my fear that you wouldn't like me anymore because I don't fw Fyozai.　Welcome to KolyaWorld where we worry about every little thing possible!　I'm sorry I'm a toxic Soukoku shipper and it pains me to ship Dazai and Chuuya with anyone but each other.　The only reason I fw Nikozai and Kunizai is because they're literally us..　I can't hate anything I associate with us.　This has been so negative???? What the FLIP! Anyway. Positive stuff.　Did you know that I love you?　I love love loooove you! You're so wonderful that I alter my toxic SKK liker brain chemistry just to like literally us ships.　You are so lucky I love you because I wouldn't do that for any random oomf.
A lot of times I would just agree to date people when they crushed on me for two reasons.　One, because I'm a people pleaser and I can't say no.　And/Or two, because I wanted the affection I was deprived of all my life.　But, you see, I fell first in this relationship, so this is weird.　The only other time I was the one crushing was with Idia, but it barely counts because it was more of a.. "Squish" I guess?　Like, I felt that way for a little, but then my feelings faded, but I still ended up stuck because I feel guilty whenever I have to reject people.　But with you, it's different. I don't feel trapped in this relationship at all.　Honestly, I'm more scared that you're the one feeling trapped. Please tell me if you do. You're Nikolai Gogol and all. I don't want to be standing between you and your freedom.　The thought of that makes me sad. I don't want to be a cage for you, dearest. So, if you do feel trapped, please just tell me. I really don't mind. I value you over me, so you always come first.

11。 O5。 24 I'm sorry I haven't written here in a while.. I should write here daily. I might start trying to.　I've been writing about you in private, though. All good things. Well, all good things about you. Me.. I can't say the same about.　My self esteem has plummeted recently. I don't know why. But you always end up helping, even without trying.　How are you so wonderful? Why are you so wonderful, especially to someone like me? Notice how I didn't say something this time. You telling me I'm someone, not something made me cry. It was kind of silly of me.　You give me too much credit, I think. I'm not that great.. I really do think you deserve better than me. But at the same time I'm insanely selfish and I want you all to myself. It's so contradictory.
I'm not good at this love thing. Maybe because nobody has ever made me feel this genuinely loved before. But it's weird and strange. You make me feel all warm and bubbly inside and it's unsettling. I'm not used to it.　When I was going to kill myself, or at least disappear from the internet, I felt guilty. I cried a lot writing my note. I think I would have chickened out either way if you reached out to me or not. I just can't leave you like that. I'm terribly selfish. I was only thinking about myself when planning it, but when I thought about how it could affect you, I couldn't go through with it anymore.　Thank you for giving me a reason to live. I think I deserve all bad things, I think I deserve death, but you always assure me otherwise.　Why, I'm still not sure. But I'm grateful anyways.　I love you so much, with all my being, with my whole heart and soul.
You truly are an angel to me. I love you more than I could ever fully express in words. Thank you so much for teaching me how to love, and teaching me what proper, genuine love feels like.

word count　:　1,454
character count　:　7,541
love count　:　21