Here I am
I'm having trouble sleeping
Wee hours of the morning
Sadboi hours is the term, I think
One thought's been running through my head and won't leave
My husband and I are getting old
We're aging gracefully
But we're still aging
Yeah, it's flattering one of the neighborhood boys called me "that Japanese MILF"
And I've seen younger women checking out my husband
Even so, I'm still feeling my age
Getting winded more easily
Not as flexible as I used to be
We might have to take it easier on our morning jog
You can't ignore the passage of time when your kids start growing up
Our youngest is applying for colleges
Kami, it feels like both a short time and a lifetime since our oldest was born
I'd like to think positive things about the future
But since its sadboi hours, a disturbing thought question comes to mind
What will I do if I outlive my husband?
We've been together for so long
I can barely imagine being alone again
Will I even be able to go on without him?
But I don't want to leave him alone, either
I know he loves me just as much as I love him
And if we died together, our children would be even more devastated
There's no good scenario for a death in the family
Tears start coming from my eyes
I bury my face in my hands
"What's wrong, honey?"
I hear my husband's voice and see the light turn on
"...What are you doing down here?"
"I went to get some water and heard crying from downstairs. You know you can tell me anything, so don't hide your sadness from me."
"I was having trouble sleeping, so I went downstairs to try and make myself tired. Then I started thinking these dark thoughts about aging..."
I tell him about my fears through my tears
He starts looking sad too
But still has the strength to comfort me
He really is a blessing
"You're right, that IS sad. Unfortunately, there's not much we can do, except try to make sure things don't go completely off the rails."
"Think of it this way. Even if I'm gone, a part of me will always be with you. Same if you go before me."
He's right
Even when he's gone, the impact he's left will always be felt
By his friends
By his family
By me
I can't imagine where I'd be today without him
Probably be a completely different person
And nowhere near as happy
"Besides, we don't have to be separated forever"
It's a bittersweet thought
But a comforting one
And the idea of spending eternity with him is a wonderful one
He's made my life worth living
I have no doubt he can make my afterlife wonderful
Our love will last forever, even after our bodies become dust in the wind
I start crying again
But they're tears of happiness
Thank Kami our youngest is at a friend's sleepover
I don't think either of us want to explain why mom is up in the middle of the night crying
"That's... that's such a..." I stammer through my sobs
"Remember: I'll always be here for you. I made that promise, and I intend to keep it."
We spend the rest of the night holding each other
Eventually fall asleep like that
When my youngest gets home, we don't bother explaining why we were sleeping on the couch in the den
I can only imagine the theories as to why
But we know the truth
And we know we'll be together forever
Even if one of us can't see the other