remind me to give this story a proper name in the morning
Kaiji sat back in his chair with a smirk as yet another customer walked away with a cheap prize, the Alolan Meowth's pockets just a little bit fuller from the exchange. Business had been booming since he'd moved shop from Capim Town square to the path leading out of town... He'd been catching adventure teams on their way out to dungeons for last-minute impulse buys, as well as incoming Pokémon who will see his table of wares before they ever reach the shops in town, allowing him to get away with ever-so-slightly higher prices.
Another Pokémon approached Kaiji's stand, and he didn't even have to say what he was about to buy - the cat could follow the customer's gaze just fine. "Another Mystery Box, huh? Boy, these things are really flyin' off the shelves." Kaiji chuckled as he handed the Kricketot a cheap, flimsy box in exchange for their Poké. The Bug-type wasted no time in ripping it to pieces, in a desperate rush to see what he'd gotten.
"It's a... Rawst Berry!" The Kricketot gazed upon his paltry reward with a look of pure wonder in his eyes, both unaware and uncaring that he'd just paid over market value for it. To the Pokémon of this world, these mystery boxes still had a real novelty to them, perhaps because the closest equivalent they'd likely experienced were the treasure boxes found in Mystery Dungeons, and not the blatant rip-offs of the human world. Kaiji would be screwed if they ever started crunching the numbers and comparing the price of the boxes vs the expected value, but he figured by the time it would've gotten to that point he'd already have rotated them out of his selection in favor of some new scheme.
"Rawst Berry, Rawst Berry!" The Kricketot was still beaming over the berry he'd been overcharged for, carrying it around on his head as he sang. "They taste the best roasted, cuz they can take the heat! Rawst Berry, Rawst Berry, the flavor can't be beat!" He danced around, spinning in a circle before stopping as something caught his eye; a Numel was coming up the path from town, a tired look in his eyes. "Ooh! Mister! Mister!"
The young Kricketot either didn't notice or didn't care that the Numel had groaned and started turning away in response, continuing along towards him with the berry in tow. "Mister, can you fry this berry for me?" He asked, completely unaware of what his innocent request was about to bring upon him.
The Numel froze, slowly turning his head to face the unfortunate Kricketot. There was a sort of crazed, unhinged look in his eyes, the kind you'd get when problems had been piling up on your shoulders for years, and the problem that broke your back had just been thrown on top.
"I. AM. NOT. YOUR. FRY COOK!!!"
The Numel screamed at the top of his lungs, his otherwise-intimidating mental breakdown hampered a bit by his squeaky teenage voice. He fired an Ember at the Kricketot, missing the nimble cricket in his rage.
"WAAAAAAAH! SOMEONE HELP ME!" The Kricketot ran off crying, dropping his berry on the ground as he fled to safety. The other Pokémon present started panicking as well - most of the strong Pokémon had either already went off to handle job requests on dungeons, or were back in town.
Kaiji didn't really pay the situation too much attention, too busy reviewing his shop's inventory and income to notice... until some undeniably human words caught his attention, his ears perking up.
"THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FANTASY WORLD! THERE'S NO MCDONALDS HERE! WHY ARE YOU STILL ASKING ME TO GRILL?! AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
The Numel began stomping around in a hilariously squeaky rage, firing off weak Fire-type attacks randomly. As one of the young Grass-types playing in the area pleaded with him to calm down, he turned his rage upon them.
"P-please, j-just calm down! You're being scary!" The Smoliv sniffled.
"I AM NOT! TAKING! ORDERS! FROM A HAPPY MEAL TOOOOOOOOOOY!!!!!" The young Pokémon's pleading had only served to make the Numel angrier. Despite the constant cracks in his voice, it was still enough to scare off the Smoliv, who ran off crying.
"GET BACK HERE! I WASN'T FINIIIII-" The Numel's angry squeaking was cut off as he was hit in the forehead with a coin, interrupting the attack he was about to let loose against the poor Grass-type.
"There's your tip, burger-boy, now fry me up a berry."
A Pecha Berry was the next thing to impact the Numel's face as Kaiji approached him, giving the little Smoliv an opening to escape as the Numel's anger was directed to the intruding feline. The fuming Fire-type took a step towards the new challenger.
[Music - https://youtu.be/Plr9jv8n9eU ]
* The BURGER KING approaches.
* It seems that your ORDER is finally up...
"Thanks for your order! Would you like a side of GETTING FRIED with that?!"
* ...That probably sounded cooler in his head.
* His poorly-delivered joke fills you with EXASPERATION.
Kaiji rolled his eyes as he extended his claws. "Let's make this quick, kid, I've got a job to get back to. A real one, not fast food." He taunted, causing the Numel to charge at him in a rage.
"I'LL BREAK YOUR FUCKING MCRIIIIIIIBS!!!"
Kaiji easily sidestepped Numel's incoming tackle, sending the camel tumbling as he followed up with Feint Attack from behind.
"Geez, this customer service is terrible. If you can't fry me up a Pecha Berry, should I order something off the secret menu?" Kaiji yawned.
"AAAAAAAAAAGH!" The Numel bashed his head into the ground in frustration before continuing. "THE SECRET MENU ISN'T FUCKING REEEEEAAALLLL! IT WAS MADE UP BY BUZZFEED!" He let loose a swirling vortex of fire, launching it haphazardly towards the Meowth, barely grazing his leg as the cat effortlessly leapt out of the way.
"Ouch, that kinda hurt! I guess you must cook those Whoppers pretty hot, huh?" Kaiji was smirking now, knowing he'd be able to consistently get under the Numel's skin.
The camel's eyes were practically bulging out of his head with rage at the Meowth's continued taunting. "WE DON'T SELL THAT SLOP! GAAAAAAAAAH!" He fired off an Ember, hitting Kaiji right in the chest. "EVEN OUR SHITTIEST QUARTER POUNDER IS BETTER THAN A FUCKING WHOOOOPPEEEEEERRRR!"
He let loose about half a dozen more Embers, only one of which managed to hit the nimble cat he was aiming at. Kaiji barely even flinched as he took the Numel's puny attack, but he had something to worry about besides the underwhelming damage...
"Th-that crazy Pokémon is going to start a fire! W-we need to go get help before it spreads to the town!" The remaining spectators ran off back towards Capim Town in a panic, to get some Water-type Pokémon to put out the small fires that had started in the grass as a result of Numel's poorly-aimed attacks.
"Shit!" Kaiji exclaimed, noticing the patches of burning grass around him. "KRIS!" He yelled to his Absol partner, who had been napping beside the table they were selling from.
"Hu- wha- I-I'M AWAKE!" The fox rose to his feet groggily, the sight of the small fires quickly waking him up all the way.
"Go stomp out whatever fires you can while I handle this moron! We need to drag him to the guild before the help from the town gets here." Kaiji ordered, knowing that a Pokémon causing problems while blabbering about human stuff would only mean trouble for the guild's reputation, whether he's actually a member or not.
"Aww, but I could totally take him..." Kris pouted, before running off to handle the fires before they got too big.
"Y-YOU'RE NOT MY MANAGER! I'M NOT COMING WITH YOU WEIRDOS!" Numel took advantage of Kaiji's momentary distraction with Kris, managing to land a Fire Spin on him. Although the Numel's power still didn't pose much of a threat to Kaiji, the fiery vortex made it much harder for him to move, allowing him to land a follow-up Mud Slap. "HA! HOW'S THAT FOR A COMBO MEAL? TRY HITTING ME NOW!"
Kaiji sighed, before forcing his way through the swirling flames, which hadn't even reached tall enough to cover his face. The Numel was laughably weak, and these pathetic moves could only have come from a Pokémon who's only been in a dungeon once or twice.
"TH-THE CUSTOMERS HAVE BREACHED THE COUNTEEEER!" Numel started backing away in terror, his brain on autopilot as his failed attempts to stop Kaiji brought back memories of his job in the human world. "THIS IS NOT A DRILL! E-EVERYONE, TO THE FREEZER LIKE WE PRACTICED!"
Kaiji kept advancing on him silently, extending his claws as the terrified Fire-type kept backing up, and only narrowly missing his face with Fury Swipes on account of the Mud Slap lowering his accuracy. "H-HA, IT WORKED! I'm gonna make like the ice cream machine and break-"
Numel had backed right into Kris, who had finally finished putting out the fires.
"P-PLEASE FORM AN ORDERLY LINE IN FRONT OF THE COUNT- OOF!" Now that he had nowhere to run, it was open season on Numel, and Kaiji hit him right in the face with Feint Attack.
"GAAAAAAH! W-WE'RE OUT OF THE GIRL TOYS, I TOLD YOU! TH-THE ONE ON NORTHWEST STILL HAS THE PONIES, PLEEEASE JUST- ACKK!" Another Feint Attack between the eyes was enough to finally silence him, and he slumped over as the consciousness faded from his body, likely to dream of belligerent customers and broken ice cream machines.
[SFX - https://youtu.be/Voe5iqISYJU ]
Kaiji sighed with relief as the Fire-type frycook was finally out cold, wiping the mud off of his face. "Alright, let's get him back to the guild. If his antics are going to get us in trouble whether he's with us or not, we might as well get some work out of him." The Meowth sighed, shaking his head. Since the two of them were alone for the time being, he spoke calmly and without his usual accent.
Kris bent down next to the fallen Numel as Kaiji struggled to push him onto the Absol's back. "He might've been weak, but he weighs a hell of a lot..." Kaiji panted, barely managing to get the Numel loaded onto Kris.
Kris grunted as he rose to his feet with Numel on his back. "A-are Numel even supposed to weigh this much?" He whined, taking a few steps forward to get used to the weight before turning to their shop table to pack up the wares that had been left out.
"Don't worry about any of that, it's all overpriced. None of it's worth bringing back when we're on a time constraint." Kaiji stopped him, grabbing the sack of Poké and slinging it over his shoulder. "Let's just get back before the help from town gets here."
The two of them set off for the Clover Guild's building, disappearing into the trees just before the townsfolk came into sight.
"Oh? He's finally waking up." Nurse Kina stood over the Numel as he started regaining consciousness.
"I-I WASN'T SLEEPING ON THE JOB I SWEEEEAR, I-I WAS JUST TAKING IN THE FEELING OF WHAT AN HONOR IT IS TO WORK HERE AT MC-" Numel shot up in a panic, before freezing as he noticed his unfamiliar surroundings. His unfamiliar surroundings that weren't a run-down fast-food restaurant. He relaxed, looking around, and resting his gaze on the Audino nurse.
Kina already knew Numel was going to be trouble before he even opened his mouth; she'd heard this one was going to be "especially annoying".
"H-HEY BAAAAABE! I-I'M, UH, A-ASSISTANT MANAGER IN TRAINING FOR A MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR RESTAURANT, WANNA GO OUT?"
Kina flashed him a forced smile that anyone with half a brain could tell was fake, but unfortunately, being reborn as a "dull-witted" Pokémon like Numel wasn't enough to help the zero wits he had to begin with, and more explicit discouragement was needed.
"Oh, I've heard all about you! It was very brave of you to volunteer for the experimental new psychic-resistance lobotomy procedure. Now, just go ahead and lie back down..."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Numel let out a high-pitched scream. "I-I, UH, CHANGED MY MIIIIND! D-DON'T DEEP-FRY MY BRAAAAAAAAAIIIINN!" He started running around like an idiot, knocking things over.
Kaiji had heard all of the ruckus from a few rooms over and popped his head in, sighing with exasperation as he saw the mess Numel had managed to make in the span of a single minute. Kina gave him a look that screamed "get this retard out of here NOW!" as she caught a glass bottle just before it hit the ground.
"Alright, I'll take him off your hands... He seems to have his energy back, anyways." Kaiji sighed, holding his arm out to catch the frantic Fire-type on his next lap around the infirmary. "You're coming with me, kid."
"Whuh-" Numel grunted as he ran right into Kaiji's outstretched hand. "H-hey man, where'd your accent go?" He asked, insecure that his squeaky teenage voice stuck out more against a cast of relatively normal-sounding Pokémon.
Kaiji groaned in annoyance, returning to the faux-Brooklyn accent he uses around customers. "It's 'cause I lost so many brain cells hearin' your nonsense that I forgot how to talk right." He smacked the back of Numel's head. "Now get movin' and shut up before I ask Kina to give me the lobotomy." Kaiji shoved him out the door as Kina tended to the mess Numel left in his wake.
Numel held his head high as Kaiji led him down the hallway. "Y-you know, you should show me some more respect if you want me to stick around! I know you recruited me because of my amazing combat skills, but-"
Kaiji, dumbfounded, stopped in the middle of the hall and turned to stare at Numel like he was absolutely braindead - a look he'd soon become very familiar with. "You're here because every damn word you say out there is a problem for the rest of us. All you could accomplish was beatin' up kids and you didn't even do a good job at it! If we're gonna be keepin' you here so you aren't out there givin' humans a bad name, you're at least gonna be workin' for us in return!"
"Yeeeeeahh, suuuuuuuure! I saw you out there handling the customers, I'm not taking shit from a cashier!" Numel grinned at Kaiji with way more smugness than his position warranted. "You're talking to an Assistant Manager here!"
Kaiji raked his paw down his own face in frustration, leaving scratch marks as it trailed down. "The hell's your name, kid? I want to know what to put on the wanted poster..." He grumbled, fighting the urge to just turn the Numel in and be done with it.
"Ronaldo, Ronaldo MacDo-" The Fire-type saw an evil grin starting to spread across Kaiji's face and quickly caught himself. "U-UH, M-MY NAME'S JUST RONNIE, OKAY?!"
Kaiji took note of the Numel's unfortunate name, saving it in the back of his mind for later tormenting. "Right... Look, 'Ronnie', you're gonna have to lift your weight around here, but frankly, you can't be trusted with anything important and you'd just get yourself killed in a dungeon. We're puttin' you back in the kitchen."
Ronnie started backing away, shaking his head. "N-NO WAY MAN! I'M NOT GOING BACK TO-"
Kaiji unsheathed his claws. "If you'd rather do something else, we've got a position open for 'training dummy'..."
Ronnie gulped, weighing his options. "W-well, at least I won't have to ask people if they want fries with that anymore..." He sighed, continuing forward as Kaiji led him to the kitchen.
As the pair walked through the kitchen doorway, they were immediately met with a groan from Beast, the guild's chef. "For the last time, stay OUT of the kitchen while I'm cooking! If ONE more ingredient goes missing from the pantry, I'll be forced to substitute with sawdust!" The Munchlax grabbed a spare ladle, prepared to chase them off with it.
"Relax, I brought you an assistant. His name is Ronnie and he already has experience working in a restaurant." Kaiji pushed Ronnie forwards. He felt bad pawning him off on Beast, but if he had to spend even another second listening to that grating voice, he was going to kill Ronnie and then himself.
"Hmm... I suppose an extra pair of hands around here wouldn't hurt, with all the trouble the rest of you are causing."
"Perfect. I'll go tell the guildmaster and make it official!" Kaiji hurried off so fast that Beast only barely caught him mouthing the words "I'm sorry" to him as he left, and he didn't even get a chance to wonder what the cat had meant before Ronnie had already knocked something over.
"Alright... 'Ronnie', is it? Dinner's almost ready, so you can help by-"
"SIR I AM HONORED TO BE WORKING IN A REAL KITCHEN, I ALWAYS KNEW MY CULINARY SKILLS WOULD-"
Oh god. That voice made Perish Song sound like the hymn of angels in comparison. The kid hadn't even finished his first sentence yet and Beast was already pulling fur from his head in agony.
It had been an hour, and Ronnie had managed to accidentally smelt Beast's good ladle, spill that night's supper mere minutes before it was ready, and when asked to boil a pot of water in an attempt to keep him busy and out of the way, he somehow managed to BURN the fucking water. Beast's mental state had cycled through fury, depression, and confusion of the highest order, but now he was operating solely off of his desire to survive.
"Okay... Okay." Beast was breathing heavily, his fur heavily ruffled and drenched in sweat. "I think... I found something you can't screw up, Ronnie. Just stand... right there." He pointed, with his quivering arm, to a clear spot in the middle of the kitchen.
"A-alright, w-what do I do nex-" Ronnie didn't get to finish before Beast placed a new pot on top of the heat-emitting hump on his back. "H-hey man, w-what are you do-"
"Stand still. Don't move or do anything. You're going to be the STOVE now." Beast commanded, starting to remake the dinner Ronnie had ruined.
"H-Hey man, I've got too much dignity to put up with-"
"QUIET!" Beast shouted, having to force his next words through strained teeth.
"Stoves. Don't. Talk."