Zander Merrick Goes Crazy
"Freakin' dragons... they rose gas prices again..."
At everyone's favorite bar in town, The Greasy Rat, Zander drank his sorrows away.
A hoarse, yet feminine, voice called out to him.
"Hey -HACK- love, wanna 'nother -COUGH- round 'a PepsiCo's Pepsi-Cola Made with Real Sugar Vanilla?"
"Yes, Gladys... I would like that very much."
Despite being a fat lard, Zander had an unmistakable air of arousal around him. Probably because he was one of the Fallen. Not by choice... it just kinda happened. But, now everyone finds him really attractive due to angel magic apparently. It's kinda cool, I guess.
As Zander enjoyed his 14th glass of PepsiCo's Pepsi-Cola Made with Real Sugar Vanilla, a gang of drunks appeared around him.
"Hey Zander~! You got anymore crack cocaine for us?"
"Sorry guys, I'm all out. Come back again tomorrow."
"Awww..."
"(FREAKIN' FRICK! I FORGOT MY HOMIES' COMPLIMENTARY FREE CRACK COCAINE! I GOTTA GET SOME FROM PABLO!)"
As Zander got up from his stool and began to leave The Greasy Rat, Gladys called out to him.
"ZANDUH YA -HACK- FORGOT TO PAY FOR YA 14 GLASSES OF PepsiCo's Pepsi-Cola Made with Real Sugar Vanilla!"
"Just put it on my tab, Gladys!"
"Oh, ulright then, Zanduh."
As Zander left the bar, he transformed into wind. He can just do that ever since he became one of the Fallen.
As Zander soared into the sky at blinding wind speeds, he eventually made it to Pablo's pad. Since he was immaterial, it was kind of a boring trip there. Nothing to really talk about.
Zander knocked on the door.
"PABLO! PABLO! PABLO OPEN UP! PABLO!"
Keep in mind, Zander was made of wind, so he went inside Pablo's house. He wasn't knocking on the front door. He was knocking on the bathroom door.
"WUH? AYYY ZANDER MANN WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME AT THIS HOUR MANN WHAT DA FREAK MANN! ZANDER MANN I'M TRYNA TAKE A POO HERE MANN!"
"PABLO! IT'S URGENT! MY HOMEBOYS ARE RUNNING LOW ON CRACK COCAINE!"
"WUH? MANN YO HOMEBOYS ARE RUNNING LOW ON COCA-INA MANN? NAWW MANN THAT'S NOT FRESH! ONE SEC ZANDER MANN LEMME GET YOU SOME COCA-INA!"
"Thanks, Pablo, that really means a lot to me."
Pablo left the bathroom. Despite being a 30 year old man, he was wearing a elephant onesie.
"Ayyy Zander mann you remember my birthday party, right mann? You can't miss it!"
"(FREAKIN' FRICK! PABLO'S BIRTHDAY PARTY IS TOMORROW AND I FORGOT TO GET HIM A PRESENT!)"
"Pfft, of course not, Pablo! You're my homie, I'd never forget!"
"Ye, I know you wouldn't mann! Cuz like, if you did, I'd be like real sad and stuff mann!"
"I know, Pablo. I would NEVER do that to a friend."
"Aight mann, here's yo coca-ina!"
"Thanks again, Pablo! I'll see you tomorrow!"
Zander turned into wind once again, and he zoomed back to The Greasy Rat. Once again, it was a pretty boring trip.
"Guess who's back!"
"OHMIGOSH IT'S ZANDER~! AND HE'S GOT CRACK COCAINE~!"
Zander quickly gave his homies the crack cocaine.
"Heh, I guess even FBI agents get a hankering for crack cocaine from time to time!"
"Aww, you know us so well, Zander! The CIA has been stingy lately."
"Welp, I gotta go, now! Urgent business!"
"See you, Zander!"
Zander turned into wind once again... once again, and he made his way to the local Walmart.
As he entered the establishment, the greeter greeted him with a greeting.
"Hey, Zander! Here to buy more PepsiCo's Pepsi-Cola Made with Real Sugar Vanilla?"
"No can do, Phil! I'm looking for a birthday present for a homie!"
"Wow, that sounds real urgent! You go get that birthday present, pal!"
Zander turned back into wind, and made his way to the scented candle section. He picked out the one that said "Elephant." He then made his way to the cashier.
"Hey, Zander! Buying some PepsiCo's Pepsi-Cola Made with Real Sugar Vanilla?"
"No, Bob, I'm buying a scented candle! It's apparently supposed to smell like an elephant, and I know someone who just LOVES elephants!"
"That's swell! That'll be $8.99."
"Alright, here you go!"
Zander gave Bob exactly $8.99 in pennies. He took the time to count it out.
"Come again!"
"Oh, you know I will!"
Zander turned into wind, and flew back to his apartment. He pet his pet alligator William, and decided to go to bed. But first, he took a shower.
"(Wow, this sure is a freakin' nice shower!)"
Then, Zander went to bed, cuddling the scented candle. By the way, he cuddled the scented candle because William didn't like cuddles. He has to make do.