Rumors of the Wasteland!

Lance: Heeelllllloooooo wastelanders! I hope you are all doing fine, or at least clinging to life! Welcome to tonight's show of RUMORS-OF-THE-WASTELAAAAAND!

[Sound Effects!] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zw3dH4l3ygk )

Lance: I hope you are all having a wonderful night. I'm feeling great after taking a nap while listening to the calming sounds of acid rain. Really relaxing stuff.
Let's get the boring stuff out of the way first and start with the news. Swamp dwellers! Who doesn't like them? They are a wasteland classic! For all of you that have tuned in from Goldacres, stay safe and don't let the hulking, flying mutant catch you! Or don't let the creepy mutant swamp nymphs enthrall you, either! We've been getting some really nasty stories from the marshes and swamps in that area.

Lance: And on the topic of hulking brutes, we have some news regarding the Neobarbarian tribes from up north! An armored warrior has been tearing rival tribes apart, both figuratively and literally! I wonder what he will do once he subjugates the area. Will he become a brutal tyrant? A ruthless Overlord? A ferocious chieftan? So many different options with these guys!

(Laugh track)

Lance: Alrighty! With that out of the way, we will start with the calls after a short ad break!

(Lance's voice, but obviously modified): Are you tired of feeling like a savage when you eat? Eating at a table with a spoon or even a fork isn't cutting it anymore to make you feel like a person. That's because you are missing high-quality food! Visit the Wooden Ladel and say goodbye to the taste of boiled leather and dirt, because there's only pure wasteland gourmet stuff in there! Want a new favorite food? Just close your eyes and pick something at random! I assure you, you won't want to eat anything else for the next few months! What's more, get discounts if you bring your own ingredients! Save money and enjoy the products of a good hunting trip! Plus, I've heard that eating beasts to gain strength is all the rage among the Neobarbarians up north!

(Lance's distorted voice, but now deeper): Need to move to another settlement because of raiders, or maybe it was a flood this time, or perhaps a stampede of mutant beasts? Whatever the case, Mike's got you covered! Enjoy the marvelous and terrifying desolation of a trip through the wastes from the comfort and safety of a moving fortress! He's even got a special program for all of you avid travelers!

Lance: And with that, we're back! And lookee here, we have our first caller, and it's a veteran of the show! Good evening, Ricky! You're on the air!

Ricky: Hey Lance. It is a pleasure to be here again.

Lance: And it's a pleasure to have you here again! How have the winds been treating you, old friend?

Ricky: Long flight. I heard Mike's ad, and I thought it'd be funny to call to tell you that I think I'm flying right over him!

Lance: What a lucky encounter!

Ricky: I'm going to drop a flare and see if he looks over here.

Ricky: [Laughter]

Ricky: [Laughter] He saw it and responded with his own flare, but it startled some big mutant chicken thing. [Laughter] And the madlad just ran it over.

Lance: Knowing the kind of beast of a machine he drives, that chicken probably turned into the biggest hamburger in the wasteland!

Ricky: Anyway, I'll stop hogging the line. See you, Lance.

Lance: Thank you for the entertainment, Ricky! Let's see who calls next!

Nikto: Hello?

Lance: That voice—could it be...? Can you believe this, dear listeners? The man of the moment! The one bringing hype to the southern city ruin settlements! The wasteland Ronin himself, Nikto!

Nikto: Yeah, hello.

Lance: I just talked about you a couple of days ago! What brings you here tonight, Nikto?

Nikto: Well, you [Gunshots], you see, I'm a bit lost at the moment, and I heard your show on the radio at this settlement, so I decided to call for some advice.

Lance: I'm always willing to offer guidance to my fellow wastelanders! Even more so if they are also listeners! But before we start, are these gunshots I'm hearing?

Nikto: Yes. Uhmm [Screaming] I'm in the middle of taking out some raiders. [Nikto yawns]

Lance: I don't think I can offer much guidance about fighting raiders, I'm afraid!

Nikto: Oh, no, it's not about that. I wanted to know-

Nikto: Sorry, I had to dodge a heavy sniper there. I've been moving south for some time already, but now I want to go back to the main city ruins. I got a bit lost because of these raiders so I was wondering if any listeners would allow me to travel north with them.

Lance: Hmmm. I see you are near the ruins outside of Highway Patrol territory.

Nikto: Woah, how did you know that? Creepy...

Lance: Fret not, dear Nikto! Uncle Lance knows of a good man who is also making his way up north...