Happy Valentine's day... I'll finally read the letter you wrote... that you tried to make me read long before it was actually Valentine's day. Happy now?

This is our very first Valentine's together! My first Valentine's with a partner at all too. And it's just a few months until our anniversary! A full year. I've never been in a relationship with someone for that long.

I want to write something heartfelt, but you know how I've never been good at that. I want you to know how much you mean to me though. Actually, at the time of writing this, just yesterday... I was having a really bad time. Maybe I was being dramatic but it sucked! Really bad! And I was crying and my eyes are still puffy now... And then you sent me /perfected in the middle of it and I wanted to strangle you.

I feel like it's really easy to tell when I'm in a bad mood. Is it? The way I talk completely changes and it's embarrassing. But you were so kind to me and like now I'm tearing up again. Even when I was acting weird. Sorry I scolded you for calling me a saint or an angel or whatever because I get it now... just a little bit. I felt like you were my savior then. What did I ever do to deserve you? It's scary. No real person could possibly be so... warm towards me. You should've felt awkward with how I was acting or given me advice or asked what's bothering me. But you didn't do any of that. All you did was be kind yet it was so, so warm. I didn't know what to do.

Sorry I'm so gloomy here fawk... I can't think about how much I love you without going "this isn't supposed to happen to me. Who's going to die?" But, well... I appreciate how kind you are to me. You're always very patient and understanding with me, even when I'm upset, so thank you... I can tell you make efforts to change sometimes so I'm not uncomfortable. It's really kind of you. You always listen to me too... Like, genuinely listen. It makes me really happy...

I'm so bad at expressing this through words. I love you too though. I like when you talk about soukoku or ships you like and stuff. It's fun listening to you. With anyone else I'd probably get tired of it but not when it's you. I love how you're always sending me videos and things. I love when you recommend me stuff you like. I'd get tired of it if it were anyone else, but I don't mind when it's you. Isn't that weird? Logically you'd be like anyone else but you're an exception anyway. It kind of bothers me when I can't logic things out, but, following the pattern, I guess it's not that much of a bother if it's you.

Also this is really random but I associate you with the moon. I genuinely have no clue as to why. I'm always looking at it? Whether it's daytime or nighttime. And whenever I look at it I think of you...

Hi I'm adding a bit more since it's properly Valentine's and I wanted to write more at some point. I read your letter... Can I strangle you? I'm going to strangle you. You make me cry all the time and it's stupid. It's not like I've ever had any significant relationship issues in the past so really this shouldn't affect me as much as it does but. It just does! Go figure, huh.

I just want to clarify, since I'm not sure if I'm understanding your understanding of my words right... When I say that "I love you, but it's hard," I don't mean that you're hard to love. I mean that my feelings are hard to deal with but I still love you anyway and that makes my feelings even harder to deal with. Typically, whenever I don't like something I'm feeling, I get rid of it's source and I'm done with it. I can't do that with you, though. Or, it's more like I don't want to do that with you. I like you a lot. I want you to stay by my side. But when we argue the feelings really suck and then I cry and say stupid things. That's what I mean by hard, I guess...

Uhmm it's... later now. Since I had to stop writing this. BUT THIS IS SO DEPRESSING. I deleted a paragraph because it was too sad for Valentine's. Sometimes I worry, yes, but really it's, just, well. It's fine. I mean I... Think I'm pathetic when I get that way. It doesn't feel like me... But who even am I anyway... You know what one of my comics said? Something about how self-loathing makes you seem narcissistic (in the colloquial sense) since you only see yourself... Boy am I doing that right now. You talked so much about me in your letter and here I am just talking about me. Sorry!

You know what's so strange to me? Having someone to think about whenever I listen to love songs. I'm listening to Matt Maltese's music properly now and when it got to "As The World Caves In" I thought "wow, me and my boyfriend." That is so strange to me because I only ever thought of ships before when listening to love songs. And I actually never listen to genuine, heartfelt love songs ever. Not before you, at least. Closest thing was, like, kpop girl groups... But I don't know if that really counts because I think it's kind of a marketing tactic... Actually, you know what. From what I've heard so far all of Maltese's songs are so us

Thank you for the song you showed me... I love you. I don't typically listen to Laufey, but I've had that song of hers on my playlist for a while... Sorry. But I felt really happy when I saw what song it was... I've always identified with it after I started dating you. I'll definitely like it more now just because you recommended it to me...

I actually love you so much that it kind of doesn't feel fair. Just when I was getting control of my feelings, you pop into my life and now there's another set of feelings I can't control. Unbelievable. This sucks. JK I'm being silly. I want to hug you and hold your hand and link arms with you and go on dates with you. Uhmm. I won't go too much into it, but maybe I will tell you that I'm a lot more clingy than you'd think. I don't think you'd be able to pry me off of you... But. that's for. At least a few more Valentine's into the future. So stay with me until then. Okay? Cool. Happy Valentine's