Before I properly get into things, I'd first like to share what I consider to be my new favorite song. It's a cover of the song "Whatever" by the band Oasis, with the cover itself being made by DJ Deckstream. Unfortunately, he passed away around a decade ago, but he has left behind some of the most entrancing music I have ever listened to, so I do highly recommend checking out some of his work at some point. I'm sharing this visualizer of the song in particular since as many of you are already aware, I'm pretty big on Persona 3 (and Persona as a whole) and... I don't know exactly how to describe it, but this aesthetic paired with the music puts me at ease; makes me feel free. Maybe you can listen to this while you read what I have to say, up to you:

DJ Deckstream - Whatever (Oasis)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLzLyGDHWNY

Moving on...

After a few weeks of taking time to myself to embark on a journey of self-discovery, I’ll finally be resuming my online activities.

Admittedly, it felt like a very nice vacation. I'd be lying if I said that a part of me didn't wish that it could've stayed like that forever, but not only would that be irresponsible of me, I'd also be leaving behind people that I do genuinely care about. As I said previously, I used my time off to focus on getting my life back together. While it's not like my life was in ruins or anything, I still couldn't help feel as if it were... monotonous. I was doing well in college, but I wasn't focused on doing much else aside from working on projects. After my epiphany, I realized my life wouldn't change unless I set out to make a difference myself, and I can confidently say that, since then, I've been able to rediscover the value to not just my own life, but life as a whole.

The other day, I went on a walk in the local park. The sky was a bright blue, there was not a single cloud in sight, and the temperature was just right; all of it being topped of with the refreshing spring breeze. I'm a bit of a photographer in my spare time, so I decided to take some shots of the scenery (maybe I'll share them sometime) until I eventually settled on a bench I had spotted that overlooked the lake. I took a moment to observe the life around me; I saw squirrels jumping from tree to tree, a flock of ducks swimming with glee, and even a couple leaning onto each other on another bench. It was then and there that I found myself struck with a second epiphany; life truly is invaluable.

Some days after, I had the liberty of going to the beach. I may like to spend some time in the water, but I spend most of my time walking for hours on the shore to see the scenery and life around me. Of course, I did the same thing again this time, with my camera in hand as usual. Most of the pictures I took were of buildings whose architecture caught my attention in some way, as I wanted to look over them again later for something I'm intending on working on for myself. The beach was pretty crowded that day, and although I usually prefer to have it to myself, I actually didn't mind since this time around I was more interested in observing how the crowds around me enjoyed themselves on such a bright day. I know that nowadays, many of us tend to think about the worst in others or have a pessimistic view on humanity as a whole, but it's these moments where I witness the life around me in which I value and cherish our existence. I've always been going back in forth between being an outright nihilist or an optimistic one, but these past few weeks was the first time in a long while in which I had felt like the latter.

I’ll be honest, I’ve made mistakes. Even without the intention of hurting people, I still did. And I would always double down because I didn't want to come off as if I was in the wrong. Eventually, I stopped caring. I became reckless. All because I had convinced myself I wasn't a good person and fully gave into my nihilism as a result. I tried repressing my humanity for the longest time, and when the pain of loneliness would settle in, I just tried to reassure myself that this was simply the result of the environment I had built for myself; I became trapped in a self-destructive cycle of my own making. I started reaching out to random people in an attempt to fill this gaping hole in my heart, but it never made me feel much better in the long term. I would always mask my loneliness and insecurities with a "don't care" and laid-back attitude, and while I don't consider this kind of behavior to be inherently negative, I certainly took it to a reckless extreme that didn't really help anyone around me, especially not myself. But now I realize that I should've never done any of that, that I should cherish the genuine bonds that I do have without taking them for granted, because you never really know what you have until you've lost it.

And for all this, to all my former friends that I've tossed out because of all that I just described I just want to say that I'm sorry. From the deepest depths of my heart, I regret everything, and I should have never allowed what started as disagreements to spiral down to what they eventually became. Even if it's too late to take anything back, I shouldn't let my past regrets dictate what kind of person I actually am. I allowed this to happen for some time, but now this will no longer be the case. I find it particularly funny that all it really took for me to get out of this self-deprecating mindset was just one person who I thought would never want to talk to me again telling me that I'm not actually the worthless piece of crap I had convinced myself that I was, that they actually believed in me. To you, I thank you. You will forevermore have my deepest gratitude, as I don't believe that I have would have ever been inspired to rediscover my confidence otherwise.

And as for the rest of you, I want all of you to ask yourselves if you've truly been living your lives to their fullest; if you really are happy with the way your life is going right now. Sure, society may be a bummer, but we're all in charge of our individual lives, and we all have the power to make a significant change in how we go about each day, no matter how much we may try convincing ourselves otherwise. You're not stuck to some status quo, all you need to focus on is making an effort to live in a manner that is positive for both yourself and the people you genuinely care about. From here on out, I'm going to strive to be the best possible version of myself and make the most out of my limited time on this Earth, and although I will never be flawless, I'll be someone who cares. I'll be someone who doesn't just care about the bonds I have, but also someone who cares about myself, too.

Despite my newfound resolution, it's not as if I've discovered "The Answer to Life" or anything, and there will still be instances in the future where I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel, which is why I'm writing myself a reminder here that I can always come back to; 'struggle' is what makes life worth living, as being able to overcome obstacles is what makes our own victories all the more satisfying, and without the opportunity to rise back from setbacks in life, then we wouldn't truly know what 'joy' is. To desire death, or even simply not caring for dying prematurely (the latter of which, for a brief time, was the case for me), is the single worst thing that a human being could ever be subjected to, and no one should ever experience that. Everyone deserves to lead a life of fulfillment.

I definitely feel like a very different person now, so if my behavior or attitude comes off as different from before the next time we interact, then that is probably the reason as to why. To be frank, I'm not very sure how I'll feel about the following months on Discord or how active I will continue to be, but I will be settling down as I did before my temporary departure for the time being. Regardless, if you took the time to read all of this, then I'd like to sincerely thank you, and I hope that you take my words about making a difference in your life into consideration, because if I can, then so can you. I may have many regrets from both my time online and in my real life, but it's no use clinging onto what could've been; rather, we must take what we've learned from our past experiences and use that to forge a brighter future for ourselves. If a friend ever asks you to hang out or if you're given some kind of unique opportunity, then please take the time to actually consider them rather than turning it down out of laziness or some other trivial reason; you will be living your life to its fullest. Above all else, cherish your existence, and cherish the gift of life.

Well, that's all for now. I'm looking forward to reuniting with those I hold dear to me. I wish you a wonderful rest of your day/night.