Scarred "Talking" 'Thinking' Inner voice
White.
Blinding, searing into every part of your being.
'Where am I?'
Floating.
The next sensation is the weightlessness.
Cold.
'Why is it so cold?'
Everything comes flying back in and instant.
You're SPC Anon Ymous, 21 in the US Army and kickass gunner on the panther "Rose" or 2-1 for the bumper number.
Well, former gunner it seems as you smash into the ground.
Tasting iron, all I need to do is spit.
Blood.
'This is nothing, training was worse.'
'I need to get up.'
Left leg feels numb, like its not even there.
'Wait...where's My leg?'
Hold on, why does everything look Flat?
I can't see depth.
Eye probably just swelled shut, nothing to worry about.
'Where's my truck?'
Rose's driver
Rose's truck commander
I can't hear anything. Only Constant ringing and muffled sounds come through.
'Why cant I even hear myself!?'
Movement.
Looking to the right and there's someone.
'Who is that?'
He's screaming.
Why don't I hear anything?
Something faded in the background.
Shrouded sound.
Quiet.
Like a whisper.
Screams.
Screams of men burning.
That's when everything goes black.
-10 Hours-
Consciousness came back at the fob, the medics on hand did all they could in their limited ability here.
Everything hurts.
White.
'No, not again.'
Paper, with something etched into it's surface.
You're leaving Afghanistan.
A piece of paper states in front of your bandaged face. CPT Blakemore had to actually write that down on a piece of paper for you to read. My ears are probably messed up more than I'm are hoping for. Tinnitus sounds a lot better than being deaf. Heh, sounds. You tried to ask about everyone else. Did she understand through all the bandages and shouting around you two? Through your own mumbling voice? Why was that damn ringing so loud? She just wrote one thing.
I'll tell you soon.
The noise falls away.
Oh God...
-6 Days-
Germany's hospitals aren't bad. At least my primary nurse is a cute calico. She can't understand a lick of English though. Mirrors were kept away, lest your own face marred from the blast and heat sends you shock again. They drip feed information. days went by before they would bring anymore information.
They ripped the biggest metaphorical band-aid off first.
Left leg was severed mid thigh, unable to reattach
Amputee. Well at least it cant get much worse.
Two days pass and they're dishing out more bad news.
Left eye
Unrepairable
'No, no please.'
Another day
Massive scarring to the face, left torso and upper left arm.
'Please. No more'
12 hours
Ears, fixable but said it'll take time, 3 months at the longest.
Constant ringing and everything will never sound the same.
'Why?'
Another day
Several fractures in the left arm and left side of your torso.
Probably when you were thrown from the gunner's hatch.
"We'll be extremely surprised if you get full range of motion back."
I wont be able to move right anymore. Like a toy you've broken and try to fix. It'll never be the same.
'I'm... broken.'
Broken
you ask them what happened to everyone in your truck.
All KIA.
Your-
'What?'
Your fault
All four other soldiers in that mine resistant vehicle are KIA.
Because of you
They wont tell you any details.
BROKEN
"Liar."
USELESS
They cant even tell you everything, most of it still classified.
WORTHLESS
Demanding to talk to CPT Blakemore, she tells you exactly what they did.
"Ymous...Anon...I'm sorry...but they're gone."
Their Funerals were scheduled in the coming weeks. You'll be there to see them off and there is one whisper you just barely hear. Your own voice in the back of your head.
*They're dead because of you."
-2 Months-
"So Anon, do you want to share with the group how you're feeling on your progress?"
The slightly overweight tegu lizard, Miss Everstin, at the focal point of the group, was one of the councilors that you were mandated to see during the process of "getting back on your feet!" as one of the doctors said.
That dude was a dick.
"I'm starting to hear again so its a start-" You start.
In all honesty you cant hear shit, everything sounded muddy and closed off.
Like listening to conversations through a cup against a wall, but the cup was made of plastic and filled with cotton. Just enough for things to be intelligible. Only barely.
Damaged
"-Still not too happy about my eye-"
Nothing really could be done about your eye, docs said it was just an empty hole that they cleaned debris from. So it's shit, but they did give you an eyepatch. The great dreaded pirate of Madigan was fun for a few minutes at least. turns out being up beat is extremely exhausting.
So why bother? It wont bring them back.
your fault
"-bones are fine-"
That was a lie, range of motion was fucked. Shrugs? nope. Lifting your arm higher than 60 degrees? think again. Think again, really hard too because you wouldn't be a able to move for a few good hours after a stunt like that.
"-And that's it really. I'm done someone else can go."
The tegu looks concerned, she suspects that you're hiding something.
"Are you certain that's-"
Too many time this line of questioning was used in the past two months. The response is like a whip-crack, sudden, unexpected and loud.
"YES I'm Certain. Nothing else to report! Are we done!?"
They should stop asking. They're prying at the biggest issue. The space where a leg should be. They want to talk about your leg.
'Ignore them, why would they want to help you?'
Just brush it off and ignore it. Just ignore the muffled screams. They can get so loud some days.
Broken
Just ignore it. Ignore the whispers.
Why do you have to be here? That's right, the docs made these appointments and the rear chain of command said that they're mandatory. That tegu breaks through your train of thought.
"Anon, could you please refrain from being so hostile? You're making the others uncomfortable."
To be honest, being abrasive and outright hostile had become your default mode as of late.
It shouldn't be.
It will be
These groups weren't helping either, Just other people whining about either their injuries or Working through their emotions. You didn't need to be here.
'I'm fine, I just need time to work through this like I always have.'
'I don't need anyone else.'
Alone
A two word answer passes your lips.
"Yeah. sure."
Dirty glares and one to two word answers make sure none of the others really want to talk to you. It's for the best. The rest of the session is drown out by their own mumbling muddy sounds.
'Background noise that I'll hear till I die'
God this feels like an AA meeting for amputees. Only one word sticks out amongst the word soup bouncing around the room.
~acceptance~
this really is an AA meeting.
Miss Eve starts to close out the class, she must not want to be here either.
"Well everyone I hope that you all will stay safe and I'll see you all next week! Oh Anon could you stay after for a few minutes?"
you were trying to pull a fast one and roll out in the small mass of bodies before she could notice you were gone. You were stopped in your tracks though.
'Damn.'
"Anon, is everything alright?"
This was really getting annoying. Every day when people visited or the councilors always asked the same question. 'Are you ok?' 'Is everything alright?' Treating me like a child that's being stubborn.
"Miss Everstin yes...I don't know how many weeks I'm going to have to repeat myself to say that I'm fine till you finally understand that I'm ok!"
She looks over you, eyes you heavily because you're leaning to your right. She's noticed that the fake leg still feels foreign, Like and unwanted parasite. Or just a cancer. she gives you the same skeptical look as always when you have these conversations. This one there's a hint of something different in that look though...
Pity?
No you learned what that looked like in the first week and it always pissed you off.
Sympathy?
That was it. That one hurt more.
"I've been talking to your doctors and they've saying that you should be fit to go back to you're unit within the week correct? They said they've had multiple discussions about this with you.-"
Thinking that this is just another forced one on one session you start to drown her out. Pieces slip through as if they were water flowing through cracks in the sidewalk.
"-and they've have suggested private help and I agreed.-"
You refocus back on the one way conversation. What the hell did she just say?
"-So you have been assigned a live in support companion.-"
Too confused to speak. You're too confused to even hear the rest of the conversation. Ah, you figured out the look. She doesn't have to deal with you anymore. She looks happy. She's happy I'm leaving. Why does that hurt so much?
Unwanted and alone
-1 Day-
Miss Eve met with you the next day after you were discharged from Madigan to your battalion.
They forced you out in a wheelchair.
"I can stand just fine. Why am I forced to be in this damn wheelchair?"
Miss Eve remains amazingly stoic against your harsh words, only replying with a flat tone.
"I know they told you multiple times that its standard for their patients to remain in there wheelchairs for 24 hours after being discharged. It's standard so I know you'll abide by those standards."
The supposed "live in support companion" wasn't there yet but Miss Eve stated that She would be there in a few minutes.
Miss Eve must does not like empty air because this is the fifth time she's tried to start a conversation.
"Honestly I think you'll really like her. From when I talked to her she seems nothing but sweet and caring."
She never stated that it was a her. Maybe that should have been mentioned. Leadership didn't mention anything about it either. Living with a woman, basically a maid that's also your therapist. This will not turn out well.
'That's the last thing I need. Someone pitying me along without being able to look them in the eye.'
The rear wasn't much help either. Didn't improve the situation that they seemed just as surprised about the whole situation. Also it wasn't helpful that they just seemed to roll over for this. Turns out there was a reason.
Approval from a two star general in the chain of command will silence almost anybody that thinks it's a bad idea.
So with bags packed and movers grabbing everything at this moment there isn't much else you can do other than bitch.
'You're getting an apartment, bet your excited about that.' The on post housing personnel were idiots.
'Wish I could live with a cute girl and get paid for it.' The guys in the rear weren't much help either.
Just to humor the lizard you push the conversation forward.
"That'll be a first, everyone I've met so far just looks at me like I'm a child now. Or with pity. I doubt she'll be any different."
Starring down to you toward your seated position she starts broaching another subject that does nothing but kick a worse mood into gear.
"Would this be a bad time to mention that she's an anthro? I know some humans have issues with them and with how you've been with everyone in the counseling sessions..."
That was not something that you had expected to fall past her lips. It was similar to being spit on and being called scum.
"Why would I care if she's an anthro? I've worked with every species from mice to crocodiles. In fact I'm actually pretty insulted that you'd see me that way."
Miss Eve starts to push a more defensive tone.
"Anon I didn't mean it as an insult, I just meant that you don't seem very agreeable to anyone. Like it or not this will help. Even if you don't believe it yourself."
'I don't need her help. I don't need anyone's help. I'll just drag them down with me. I need my friends here, they'd be way better than some live in therapist.'
'Or just booze. That always seems to help.'
Cutting off any further conversation you throw out one statement.
"Sure."
Drawing both of your attention, the front door to the battalion lobby opened with a groan.
There stood a German shepherd, about six foot and ears held back like she was about to be scolded for going into the wrong building.
Her clothes were incredibly plain, black pants and a grey button up shirt.
She was cute. narrow shoulders and moderate bust, narrow waist and hips that swept out and seemed to go for days. Her fur coat was shiny and neatly groomed without a hair out of place. Her fur patterns on her face gave her the look of a constant smile and a general sense of warmth and comfort with just a look. her brown hair would a go to the small of her back if it wasn't pulled into a neat and loose braid.
Only one thought came to mind upon first seeing her.
'She's gorgeous.'
'Maybe the guys in the rear were right about something.'
That was even before you noticed her eyes.
They rolled into view, even through darting around, only stopping when they saw the duo, they were brown with flecks of gold. They held warmth. Embers of a fire that only a few people can truly match. A truly caring look in them like how someone would see their best friend after years apart. All of this came together to bring a woman that looked like she could hear the worst stories an make it better with just a few simple words.
She gives you and miss Eve a look of relief.
'She was probably walking around looking for the right building.'
She has a confident stride. Clearly stating that a first impression mattered to her just through actions.
When she spoke her voice was on a higher octave, like she was talking to a family member or friend she hadn't talked to in a while.
"Hello! you two must be-Ah!"
She tripped.
Rolling through the fall it looks like she's done this more than a few times.
Not the best first impression.
'She's going to be tripping all over the place. She might need more help than I do. NO. I don't need help. This is only temporary.'
You try to reassure yourself.
'I've handled everything myself so far.'
And look where that got you.
After getting up and looking quite embarrassed, she starts taking slightly more cautious steps she pushes forward and as she leans down introducing herself.
"Hello. I take it that you're miss Everstin and you're Anon correct? My name is Amelie Lorelei, is no one from your chain of command going to be meeting with us?"
Replying with a flat and dull tone up to her.
"Sergeant Ymous, and they're busy supporting people that need them more than myself."
Eve tries to recover your statement. She must have thought it was mean spirited.
"Anon is just grumpy don't mind him too much. It's a pleasure to meet you."
Eve starts giving a side ways glance on your good side.
That really started to bother you over the last few weeks.
'yeah rub in that left eye.'
"Well I can definitely say that its a pleasure to meet you!"
She beams with a big honest smile.
Looking at her you cant help but feel like you shouldn't be such an ass to her.
"Yeah, sure. You can just call me Anon."
Miss Eve feels its necessary to cut in again, probably just from the flat tone you've been giving.
"I'm sorry for his demeanor, he's been so much better at the hospital."
Damn Eve didn't know you could lie through your teeth like that.
Force to be talking to some one for the better part of two months and you think you know them.
Doesn't matter, shell be gone just like everyone else you've met in the last two months.
Amelie doesn't seem too perturbed by your attitude though, she keeps pushing forward with the conversation.
"Oh it's quite alright! My dad is always grumpy. I've learned that he'd let me know if I was the reason for it by telling me. Most people let me know and if it stays I usually ask. So sergeant do you mind if we talk a little while we walk?"
You just stare at her for a few seconds.
'She didn't just say that. Did she?'
Yeah you miss heard her.
The way she scrunches up her face reminds you of what she in fact just said to the currently wheelchair bound amputee.
"Iamsosorryididntmeanitthatway!"
At this point you're just confused.
'She actually just said that!'
Shock mixed with worry. Her face is running rampant with emotions.
'Don't be an asshole. She'll figure that out soon enough and request a replacement. She'll be gone soon enough.'
Just like everyone else
Pushing the voice back you get up from your wheel chair.
"It's fine."
She looks hurt, guess she didn't mean to fumble that hard.
"Uhm, I have the address of where we'll be staying, would you like to just head that way now? we can talk on the way there if its alright with you."
She deserved better than to deal with you. This wont change anything. Nothing will change.
Shrugging you move towards her car.
"Sure."
-Amelie's car-
It was strange going from Afghanistan back to Washington.
More specifically Joint Base Lewis-McChord.
Everything was wet and freezing.
Not hard to have that difference when Afghanistan was Satan's taint hot.
Amelie still hasn't said anything to you. Its been 10 minutes. 10 Minutes of silent driving. Not even radio or music. Maybe she was waiting for you to start.
Well it doesn't help that you really don't have anything to say.
"Do you have any questions for me?"
You keep your stare at the window.
'Here we go.'
Strange that someone who for all intents and purposes was going to be attached to your hip the rest of your life if things go as planned.
'They never go as planned... Guess we're just doing it this way, huh? Fine, lets get this over with.'
"No questions, you go."
She looked Hurt and shocked in the reflection of the window. She'll have to get used to harsher, Eve had to. Everyone you've talked to in the recent weeks had to.
"W-well before we do or talk about anything is there anything sensitive I should avoid talking about? I want you to feel at ease when were talking so I don't say or do anything that might set you back."
'Is she serious? Set me back? She sees me as a child that can't handle how harsh the truth can be. Just like everyone else.'
There was something that definitely stuck out about her though. She seemed honest. Like she didn't mean it in the way you were taking it. She's serious about this.
'About helping me.'
She just seemed to choose her words incredibly poorly. After going through that little realization you sigh. No way were you going to take this seriously. But you will humor her. Taking it seriously will only make it worse on her later. It'll just make the end worse on you. Where she'll leave you alone, just like it's always been. How you'll just end up alone. She couldn't help with that either.
'She wont be able to help with anything wrong with me.'
Continuing to stare out the window you shoot straight with her.
"Right now no, ill let you know." you say just hoping to be done quickly.
"Alright then. This wont be full in depth but I'll go over basic things for me to know going forward, think of it like filling out a dating app."
Ah there it is again. She's saying things before thinking.
"I feel like that would be super unprofessional."
Is she doing this on purpose? Or are you just being a dick? Doesn't matter.
You don't want to be here. Just anywhere else.
"N-N-NO! Not like that...I-I meant-"
Pulling your stare from the window you look over to Amelie. She looks embarrassed.
"Look I Know what you meant...co- could we please just start?"
Drawing your eyes back to the window with the scenery of Washington passing by.
"Right..."
She starts asking, obvious things she should have been able to get from the hospital.
Others are just mundane. Family life, Siblings, what I did for the Army.
Others start to dig. Just below the surface. Best friend, Bester. Person you look up to, Kent.
'Just ignore the sounds, don't go back there.'
Luckily, she doesn't go further than that.
"Well sergeant, do you have any questions for me?"
You shake your head, you already know this is going to be a waste of time.
"I said you could call me Anon and are you sure?"
She gives a bright smile.
"Positive."
-Amelie-
Driving was always so peaceful. It always calmed anyone you knew down. No particular place to go or with a destination in mind, peace.
Then why was this car ride so stressful then?
'Oh...right. I spent the better part of it just prodding this obviously hurt man for information that he was not too happy talking about. Or was that just his normal tone? Miss Eve said that it would definitely be difficult to gain his trust or even let him know that you don't judge him.'
Your innate clumsiness and overall happy go lucky attitude hadn't seemed to brighten him up at all.
'Patience girl, patience. Maybe one more topic, something easy to just break this thick ice.'
"So Anon, what do you do for fun? Do you partake in any hobbies?"
Silence. Almost a minute passes and just as you're about to apologize he speaks.
"Computers... taking them apart, putting them back together. Finding out what's wrong or making them better."
That's the most he's said in a while. Maybe to anyone in a while. Taking advantage of this information you try and bring it full circle for Anon to help you with something.
"I've always been interested in that, I never had a chance to learn about it though. I could never find a good place to start. Do you think you could teach me?"
He pulls his stare from the window and gives a blank stare with his one eye and marred face. No emotion. That was far more unsettling than the scarring and eye patch could ever pull together.
"Maybe, I don't think ill be a good teacher."
A sliver of something in his voice gives more context on what he might be feeling. Wouldn't have heard it with weaker ears. Pain and doubt. He broches the next point that you know how to handle.
"What about you? Any hobbies?"
Your tail raises and starts to wag. Seems the quiet was bothering him too, trying to fill the silence. He was actually asking! Yes he was forced into this corner by an overly happy German Shepherd, but it was a start!
'Don't rush him, patience.'
"There's a lot actually, I both read and write. Uhm my dad taught me about cars and I also paint."
No need to tell him that its miniatures from Warhammer 40K. He'll probably find out sooner or later.
'That's going to be a weird conversation...'
"Maybe... Maybe you could...teach me to paint if I teach you about computers. I'll need something to fill my time."
'Tail stop wagging! Wait, did he say paint?'
Your tail stops dead.
'THE. ONE. THING. The one thing he could ask me to teach him is the most embarrassing one. Maybe it translates well to canvas painting. Hopefully.'
"Sure, we could do that."
Maybe he didn't hear the worried you were. He turns head back to the window, opting to stare back at the moving scenery.
"Alright."
It sounded empty. Hollow. The drive is almost over. Clicking the radio on, a random song plays. Maybe this will drown out how bad this first impression went.
-4 days-
-Anon-
She would just not get off your back. Yeah waking up screaming in a cold sweat might raise a few flags but that doesn't mean she can just barge into your room and try and delivery a tackle hug.
'I'm going to be sore all week because of that now. What was she thinking?'
Last night was the first night she was actually there all night. Had to get the rest of her home goods from her parent's house she said. She got back to the first floor apartment at about 0100. That was right around when the screaming started. Immediately following that though was rib and arm crushing. Not to mention sensitive skin being rubbed raw in an instant from the sheer force of 120 pounds of German shepherd flinging herself across the room.
Something of a time-out was dished out after dealing with the soreness and possible bruising.
'Thank god they're still giving me pain killers.'
It also didn't help that for the better half of the night she was either apologizing or asking about what happened when the screaming started.
"Don't worry about it. I'm fine."
She could tell. You weren't fine. She could probably smell it, nobody needed eyes to see that nothing was fine. Seemingly against her better judgment she made space between you two.
"Well you know where to find me. Just...give me a holler if you need me ok?"
His tone is flat. Almost like he was going to snap and start screaming again at any moment.
"Sure."
'That's not going to happen Amelie. Never will.'
Looking at the clock brought attention back to the time. 0700. Physical therapy (PT) to learn how to run again and work some range of motion back into your left side was at 0800. No point in going back to sleep. Turning to Amelie you let her know your plan and what she should do.
"I'm going to get ready for PT, you should probably sleep."
She brightens up a bit at the idea of probably helping you.
"I could give you a ride if you want."
No. One thing you can still do is look out for others though. Time to look out for her, even if its small. You've been enough of a burden for today.
"No one of the guys from the rear lives by, he can take me."
She won't take the hint. The fact you're looking out for her.
"Are you sure? It wont be much of an issue. I'll get read-"
'Just listen damn it!
"No! No... I... I kept you up all night so its on me. Don't worry about me and go sleep."
"But-"
One more push should do it. She needs to sleep. You've been on enough 24 hour shifts to know how lethargic she'll be later.
"I'll. Be. Fine. Go to sleep Amelie."
She looked hurt. It wasn't supposed to sound that harsh.
Dumb ass
Even scared her back into using your last name. It wont be surprising if she requested a swap with another new support companion. Anything less than being abandoned wouldn't be harsh enough. She sulks back to her room. Tail low and unmoving
To be empty. To be alone
Turn to the bathroom, hop to the shower, get clean, dry off, get dressed.
The regular morning routine hasn't changed all that much, but it didn't help that you couldn't even drive yourself anywhere. Have to inconvenience others and be a drag on their lives. Picking up your cell you dial one of the people of the rear of your unit. He shouldn't mind much. He did mind.
a lot.
-Amelie-
'Oh girl did you mess up. Could have just run to the bed and made sure he was ok but no. You had to pull the WWE smack down on him like Macho man would. That absolute bear of a man would have been proud. It didn't help that Anon was PISSED though. I need to make it up to him.'
What would he want?
Looking around the small apartment a few things stick out. One how quiet it was. It seemed so loud earlier. His screams of fear and sorrow followed by screams of pain. Not to mention his grumbling for hours after to put bandages over himself. He didn't want any help and weren't going to push it.
Shaking off those unpleasant thoughts a few things stick out. In the main area there's a basic chair and couch opposite a TV. and a Blu-ray player underneath. The small list of movies gives a little insight to what he likes. "Alien", "Die Hard" and John Carpenter's "The Thing" stick out as movies that might be good for a movie night.
'Maybe watching his favorite movie would help lift his spirits.'
It didn't seem like it would make up for everything that happened this morning though. Continuing to look your eyes fall to the apartment sized kitchen. Unused and brand new cooking utensils lie hidden in the cupboards and shelves. Only the coffee maker that looks like it would cost a buck fifty at a thrift store seemed like it had been used at all.
Idea!
'It's probably been more than a while since he's had a home cooked meal, I should cook for him!'
That doubled with movie night might with his favorite flick might help smooth things over. Beginning to look through the fridge and pantry bring forward what you should have expected. Empty.
'What has he been eating? Has he been going to the DFAC the last few days?'
It made the most sense. Even someone like him would have the sense to eat even if he wasn't hungry. With that in mind thoughts start rolling in on what you should make.
'Mom would know what a guy would like. She'll have recipes even kings wouldn't turn down.'
Grabbing the keys and heading out the door with the phone speed dialing the contact 'Mommy'.
'Tonight will be so much better than this morning.'
-2 hours-
-Anon-
PT was even more of a bitch than it should have been.
'Why did I sweat so much with just a fucking peg leg?'
I didn't matter.
What mattered was taking a shower and feeling human again. Or as close as possible with the monster hobbling to the bathroom. Stripping down you catch someone staring back in the mirror. Only clad in boxers was what at some point might have resembled a human.
Empty eye socket. Scarring on the face and left side of the head. Half an ear missing. Burn marks and surgery lacerations running down the arm and chest. Ribs sticking out from days of not eating. Or was it weeks? Eating didn't seem that important anymore. A stump where a leg should be.
This thing in the mirror starts talking.
Disgusting
"No. I'm not. This is what I am. I'm not disgusting."
Broken
"I'm fine."
Keep lying
"I...I'm not lying."
Do you really believe that?
"Shut up."
Look at yourself, hell, Look at me! Stare back into your own eye and lie right to your own Damn face. You are worthless.
"No. I'm not."
An empty shell.
"Stop."
This monster kept pushing.
This is what you are. What you'll always be.
"That's not true."
Think back to that day. The heat. The sun. That road.
"That's enough."
"You" keep going.
You saw it in the road. You could have told them to stop. They would still be here.
"Shut. Up."
"You" wont let it fade.
They are dead because of you.
"SHUT UP."
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT
The tiled floor rushes up to you. Your hands gripping hair and nails claw at the skin. No more voices are heard. No more screaming from the monster in the mirror. Just whispered sobbing from your own throat.
And four quiet words.
"It's not my fault."
-Amelie-
The door wasn't even open before something felt off. Anon was back that was certain.
'Why'd he leave the door unlocked.?'
It only opens a crack and the whispers start to snake through.
"-y fault."
That's Anon.
"Anon are you ok?"
The shout reverberates through the walls.
"Amelie? Y-Yeah I'm ok."
He sounds hoarse, like he's been screaming.
"Are you sure? I thought I herd you say something."
'Please, I'm worried. Just let me help. Tell me what happened.'
"Yes I'm fine."
You don't like this, there is definitely something wrong. Did he fall?
"Are you sure? If you fell do you need any-"
His voice through yours like a knife.
"Yes Amelie! The new leg is just being difficult! I'm. Fine."
Shrinking back from the door, his voice sounded worse than just a few moments ago. Like he was screaming before you got back. Defeated, and taking another step back you ask the question.
"Alright, uhm... I got some groceries and was going to make dinner. After do you want to watch a movie? I was thinking that you could choose. I'm curious what your favorite movie was because you have a ton of good ones."
A few moments of silence pass.
"Are you sure you want to open that can of worms?"
Confusion was the first thought. It was quickly replaced by curiosity.
"I wouldn't have asked if I was too worried about your taste."
'Did he always this long to answer before? Probably not.'
He turns around and looks down like he's expecting a scolding.
"Okay, but you're going to hate it."
'Hoyeah! Tonight's going to rock!'
Dinner rocked, it doesn't matter who but ribs and steamed veggies will always get eaten.
The movie on the other hand. He planned this. Either that or this was some weird initiation for people he could trust.
'This does not rock. Does he like bad movies?'
Before Anon even put in the movie he actually hid it from view and apologized before starting it up.
"I am sorry about this, so just remember that."
'It couldn't be that bad. At least not so bad that it warranted a pre-apology.'
"The Room" was bad.
'Is this supposed to be a comedy? Some of the acting is decent but that Johnny character is terrible.'
Something just clicked in your head.
'Wait. When anon sat down it was on my left. Does he not want me to look at his left side? Now that just wont do. I need to show him I don't mind.
"could you put it on pause? I need to use the restroom."
He looks content, he always either had a blank expression or just looked tired.
"To throw up huh? I get it. Happens to a lot of first timers with this movie."
That doesn't even deserve a response. It might actually happen with how bad this movie is. Sitting down on his left was pretty easy. He left plenty of space open. He seems to get physically uncomfortable. fidgeting in place.
"Are you going to start it?" you ask.
'He looks flustered. Maybe he really is uncomfortable. I should move back.'
He looks over and holds the remote out before you can even begin to move.
"Huh? Oh, uh right."
It has to be a comedy. There's no other explanation. He even starts to smile during the more ridiculous scenes.
Wait.
He's smiling. Laughing even! Especially when the "I did not hit her it's not true" scene comes on. Laughing. He's really laughing! That's a big smile.
'He's so handsome when he smiles.'
All brain functions cease.
'Where did that come from?'
He seemed like a different person all together. He looks over.
"Remember what I said earlier?"
Confused on where this was going you have to make sure you're talking about the same thing.
"That you were sorry?"
With a wide smug grin he said.
"Yeah, I take that back."
Now you're actually a little insulted! He needed to apologize again!
"What? Why? If anything you should be more sorry! This movie is terrible! I thought you were going to put on "Batman" or "Pacific Rim" not...THIS."
Staring at you he says what might be the first honest words to you, no faltering in his tone, no wavering eye or fidgeting.
"Oh, I just thought from that pretty smile you had that you were liking it."
Pretty?
"You think my smile is pretty?"
His reaction is immediate. An adorable blushing and stuttering mess.
'Adorable?'
"W-well I... I meant more that... Sorry."
He falls silent.
"Do you think that I'M pretty?"
He stays silent but his blush gets worse. Staring into his eye you notice something.
'He really is handsome. Even without his smile.'
-Anon-
Not even a full week with this clumsy shepherd and she's already rubbing off on you. Saying things before you even think it through. Maybe she isn't. Maybe she's just starting to break down the walls. Walls put up to keep others out.
It doesn't matter if they were there. She was pulling them down with the force of an entire unionized construction crew with the added benefit of TNT.
This wasn't good. She'll see the monster that you really are.
She'll see the anger. The pain. worst of all, the weakness. The weakness of not being able to take care of yourself. The weakness of needing others to do things for you because of how broken you were.
Pathetic
She'd see how pathetic you've become. How far you've fallen. Turning back to the TV, Good old Tommy was doing his thing. Maybe this will help distract you from your demons.
-Amelie-
As he was turning back to the TV you saw something change. For the briefest of moments you saw that happiness fade into how he looked when you first met him. The rest of the movie continued without any further issue. Just with far fewer laughs from Anon. Almost none. Just towards the end when everything got fucking wild. At this point the appeal to a movie like this was pretty clear, and you think you've figured it out. It was meant to be serious, But something somewhere got fucked and it turned into this movie. You don't think you'll ever watch it again.
Well, maybe if he put it on again.
It made him smile.
~You should be the reason he smiles~
The voice up there had a point. It shouldn't be kept to movies.
'Maybe it could be me.'
-Anon-
'God I love Tommy. Never fails to make me a little happier with this.'
The movie ended and you were putting everything back were it started before movie night. Suddenly aware of what happened between you two makes you slightly nauseous.
'She was just teasing you. She wouldn't be caught dead with you.'
Turning to Amelie you start to speak.
"I'm going to brush my teeth and head to bed."
She looks up with a look you've never seen her wear before.
Blank.
No flic of her ears or tilt of her head that she seemed to like to do. Just a wistful worried stare.
Almost empty.
Like you.
'No...She's not like me. She deserves better. She shouldn't be stuck here with me.'
"Alright Anon. I'll go after you."
She gets up and turns to leave but stops at the door to her room. Over her shoulder, looking back with concern in her eyes.
"If you need me you know where to find me ok?"
You only give a simple nod.
You wont bother her. She didn't sleep at all last night. It's amazing how she's even on her feet right now. Turning into the bathroom your eye doesn't eye come close to the mirror.
'No more. She doesn't need to know about that.'
She'll find out. Then she'll leave.
Why were you looking out for her? Trying to spare her from your crazy? She'll find out. Then she'll leave. Then you'll be alone.
Again.
-1 week-
Amelie has been making dinner every night. Something about wanting to keep her skills sharp. Apparently being a taste tester and dedicated cutter of all things meat or vegetables was a huge help to her. Fur and all that. Although you were her taste tester it probably didn't help that you'd eat just about anything. Barring olives and goat cheese. It wasn't even the flavor of the cheese just the fact that you still think that it comes from goat anthros. You've been told otherwise but you know they're all liars.
The past few days have fallen into a rhythm, a semblance of normalcy. You couldn't call it normal. Not even close. Normal isn't shouting when you get soap into your empty eye socket and having Amelie burst through the door to se if you're alright. She was still getting used to your personal and private boundaries.
She was sweet though, that much Eve had been right about. currently you were helping her make another red meat dish for the eighth day in a row. Steak to be exact. She had been saying something about a house warming meal and still hadn't had one yet.
You've been avoiding eye contact since movie night. Not even sure if what you had said upset her the way she look so defeated a week ago. Those thoughts didn't matter. what matter was helping her because when you did you got to glance at her smile or listen to her hum a random song. If she really wanted to be she could be a singer.
If she wasn't stuck here dealing with you.
There was that too. This voice clawing at the fringes of your mind like black tendrils leaving stains behind on your brain. trying to make its way to the forefront again like in the bathroom. When you snapped at her.
The pit in your stomach grew. Even after snapping at her she made dinner and cheered you up by letting you show her your favorite comedy. You never even apologized. Your parents would scold you for that. If they were still here.
Alone
Pushing all the bad thoughts to the side and telling the voice to fuck off you turn to Amelie.
"Hey Amelie..."
She looks you in the eye, warm smile plastered on her face.
"Anon I told you to call me Amy, It's easier and that's what my friends call me."
The shorter name rolls in your head before just going with it.
"Amy I wanted to say that I'm sorry for snapping at you before. I'm sorry that I've also been generally kind of an ass. It's been wrong of me and I shouldn't have acting that way. I'm sorry."
She gives a slight head tilt at what you were saying.
"Anon you don't have to apolog-"
You cut her off.
"No, I should. Honestly I'm still being an asshole. Just...let me make it up to you."
Her ears now swivel to be directly toward you her head tilting further.
"How would you make it up to me?"
You pull a smug grin onto your face.
"I have a couple ideas. You did ask for me to teach you about computers right?"
Her confusion grows.
"Yeah I remember, why are you bringing it up now?"
You take a step away from the counter and head to your room. Her eyes stay locked on you until you're out of sight. You return with arms full of USPS and UPS boxes and set them down on the table. Turning to her you plainly state,
"I find the best way to learn is hands on."
It hits her like a freight train.
"Wait wait wait! You got everything to build a computer already!? How? Hold on how much did this cost??"
You give a slight chuckle.
"Overnight shipping and don't worry about it. Some of this is left over from previous projects so it wasn't too much. Like I said, I need to make it up to you for my unacceptable behavior."
She looks on with disbelief, she finally speaks up again.
"I've never had a computer before... We never had a reason to get one."
She was probably talking about when she was growing up. Oh well. Looks like you're going to change that for her. It seems as though se wants to focus on finishing up first.
"Hey help me finish this up. When everything is cooking then you can give me my first class, ok?"
Moving everything to a corner for later you head back to the kitchen and help Amy.
'She shouldn't be stuck around me all day. She should have friends she should hang out with. Does she have friends?'
"Hey Amy, do you not want to hang out with your friends? You don't have to spend all this time with me you know..."
She gives you another confused head tilt.
"Well of course I have friends, its just during the day they're busy with work and in the afternoon they all have dates to go on or have plans already. So there just isn't time to hang out at all. Why do you ask?
Before you can even reply she gets a twinkle in her eye and excitedly asks,
"Do you want to meet some of my friends??"
You're more floored by the train of thought than just the sheer volume making your ears sound like they're covered in ear muffs.
"Amy do you really think that would be a good idea? I mean we just started getting into a bit of a system. You may not think so but...you are helping and I'm not sure yo should push it any harder than you already are,"
She has a fast retort.
"That's why I think its a good idea! Really you wont have to worry about a thing. It'll be super relaxed and able to leave at anytime."
You have to interject here.
"How would I leave? I can't exactly drive without a valid license or a left leg to work all three pedals. Did you forget I drive a manual?" You stated very defeatedly.
Her smile gets bigger.
"That's why I want to do a BBQ here, You'll be able to do what you want and we'll even get some free food out of the few people that comes over and you don't even have to talk to them. You know, take it at your pace."
You Don't want to have to meet new people. They'll just look at you the same way everyone else does. It'll just make you hate yourself more. But you want to give it a shot for her. You felt like that will help make up the for the rough start you had earlier this week.
'Maybe she'll smile again, that'd be worth it.'
"Okay, but don't expect me to really socialize that much. I'm really only used to you."
She's beaming with that perfect smile and warm eyes. It feels like being wrapped in a warm blanket after being out in a blizzard.
Dinner goes by without incident for the most part, there was one point to where you had dropped your fork and Amy had dived under the table to get it. She sacked her head pretty bad and mopped throughout the rest of the meal. Afterwards though things got a little more...hectic.
No, no that's not how that goes in if you try to force it you'll bend the pins and be out of the most important parts!"
Amy might have some experience with cars but that doesn't translate to this very well. Every time something wouldn't go in the way she thought it would she would try to muscle it. Needless to say this was stressing you out more than anything had in a while. Maybe it was just because you had spent a decent amount of money on the parts but this was a whole new type of friction.
'This woman will be the death of me'
Interrupting your thoughts she continues to try and force the two parts together.
"Why did they have to make the pins so small? If they didn't want them to break than maybe they should've made them bigger!"
You were nothing but surprised by this turn of events. The woman the seemed so caring not but forty minutes ago seems to be on the bring of a temper tantrum.
"Amy if this is too difficult..."
She cuts you off with a surprisingly dark glare. It's pretty cute when she's pouting. You just turn the thought into a 180 and try to calm her down.
"...Would it help if I was to be a little more hands on?"
Looking back to the machine below her she gives a quiet and quite embarrassed answer.
"Yes please."
Scooting closer you notice something that hadn't stuck out to you before. That is the fact that she smells amazing. Your just not certain if it's her or not. Just to see if your theory is true you scoot just slightly closer.
'It is her. Is that her shampoo or does she wear perfume?'
"Alright do you see this cable here?"
Pointing to the 24 pin connector you see her nod and move to grab it. Pointing to the next part to where it connects you give more info.
"so that's the one that plugs in here, see the one that's also a big rectangle?"
She nods again and starts to plug it in. The pin slides in without issue and ends with a satisfying 'click'. As your moving to the next point she brings up an issue.
"Uhm Anon? did you mean to put your hand there?"
You have no idea what she's talking about. Following her gaze your eyes fall on your hand covering hers. Your fingers are even wrapped around it to the underside and you're stoking the fur in-between her pads. Pulling your hand away from hers you start to apologize.
"Ah uhm Amelie I'm sorry about that I didn't mean to..."
"I didn't hate it."
Four words was all it took to thoroughly confuse you. She seemed to be pretty good at that.
"What?"
That was really all you could say.
"I said I didn't hate it. Was it that bad?"
She was really good at getting you to go on the defensive.
"No I didn't mean it like that, I meant more...Uhm...shit."
Chuckling she looks at you with those brown and gold eyes. She reaches for your hand. Interlocking fingers she asks again.
"Was it really that bad?"
Only one word comes out before you can even think.
"No."
She keeps pushing well on her offensive.
"How does it feel?"
You can't stop yourself again.
"It's nice. Really nice...and warm."
One more question, It wasn't even a strange one.
"Do you like warm?"
Thoroughly in a trance the words just spill out.
"I forgot what it felt like... I've been cold for so long I forgot what warmth was. I missed how warm things could be."
She took a step forward. Before you knew it you were wrapped in her arms. Her head was over your shoulder. It felt like you were being wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She'll hate you.
Everything shatters and you start hyperventilating. You take two steps back and break the hug. She looks hurt. As if you just completely rejected her after she did everything she could for you.
When she finds out
you start begging to your own voice.
'No. She wont.'
She will and then she'll be disgusted with you when she finds out how shattered you are.
Something breaks. Another part deep down that you didn't know you had. A small sliver of hope cut by the foundation by this voice. You can only respond defeated to it.
'She never will...She wont get that close to me.'
There's no more voice. Quiet. Total and utter silence n your own head. Amelie was the only one to break it.
"Did I do something wrong?"
A voice so flat and hollow it didn't even sound like your own. It sounded as if a man tried to scream with empty lungs.
"No, I'm going to sleep Amelie. Goodnight."
Shuffling off to your bedroom you shut off the light and fall onto your full size bed, and begin to cry yourself to sleep.
-Amelie-
Something like this keeps happening. Getting close, noticing something about each other, the tone of their voice to each others ears. To yourself it became all too apparent what was happening to you. You were staring to develop a crush on Anon. If things kept goin this way it would very quickly turn into love and then just plainly trying to jump his bones.It certainly didn't help things that coming back from physical therapy he smelled so manly or when he came out of the bathroom he was always shirtless.
'God Anon what are you doing to me. Stupid anon with his stupid sexy arms that look so strong and him with his stupid sexy scars.'
At this point you realized what you were doing to yourself more than Anon had anything to do with it. You forced yourself to will the image of Anon falling asleep on the couch two days ago where he was again, shirtless and focused on something a little more important. The BBQ.
'I need to be careful who I invite, don't want to force anything on him or make him close himself off from others. Need to think, god this would be easier if everything wasn't so stressful after dinner.'
wracking your brain for when to have it and who to invite you make sure that this will be as laid back as possible. four to five people at the most only if the main people you're thinking of bring their plus ones. After spending more time on this plan than you think is necessary and resolve to run it by Anon in the morning.
'Maybe after some sleep he'll be feeling better.'
-3 days-
-Anon-
Parties always made you feel uncomfortable. Big rooms filled to the brim with noisy, sweaty and drunk people attempting to dance or just making fools of themselves. The number of parties you actually could be counted on one hand, three to be exact. First was a military ball where your leadership got plastered and made fools of themselves where it gained the respect of their soldiers but the ire of they're higher ups. Second was your seventh birthday party because it had cake, games and your friends at the time. This will be the third. Amelie had invited three people, and only two of them brought their significant other. Amelie let you take over grilling because you wouldn't stop snapping at her with the tongs.
She gave you a slight glare.
"Anon yknow you could've just asked!"
Flipping over the ribs and bratwurst Brian, another human, had brought over you shoot right back with a slight chuckle.
"And you know it was more fun this way."
'There's that smile of hers again. why does that make me so warm?'
Pulling your thoughts from that train of thought back to more pressing matters, like showing these normies why your unit dubbed you the grill king, you redouble your efforts on the grill until you feel like some one is behind you. There is, and its Brian. He's not standing close enough to make you feel uncomfortable but the fact that his eyes that are covered by black sunglasses and seem like they're pointed away from you. Brian is in fact blind. He was one of the three people invited by Amelie directly and his plus one was his seeing eye companion, a golden retriever named Leslie.
"Uhm...Do you need something Brian?"
Brian turns more in your direction seemingly caught by surprise.
"Yes actually, when you're at a point you can take a break can we chat?"
You turn more to him.
"Any reason we cant just talk here? you know, Two birds one stone or whatever?"
He "looks" concerned. This is probably going to go into territory that you don't want to tread. Brian seems nice though so maybe it just to ask something innocent that he thinks will offend you. Oh how wrong you were.
Inside your apartment and sitting at the table he just lays out the biggest question bomb you've ever had thrown on your plate.
"What happened?"
Nope. Not ready for this. You try to get up to leave but he call to you.
"Hold on, let me refine the question a bit! How did you meet Amelie?"
That stops you. That was a question that wasn't right at the center of how fucked up you were. so in short you could answer it.
"I... we met because my doctors signed me up for the companion program. She was the one assigned to me."
Brian chuckles.
"Assigned? How much do you know about the program?"
It was something that never concerned you before. The only thing you knew for certain was that it was a program that was started back in the early 2000's meant to help soldiers dealing with PTSD. That and they were smeared a lot on the news by Human women organizations.
"Not too much...why?"
He leans back in the chair a little more knowing he has you hooked.
"They aren't selected by some paper pusher behind a desk. That's a fast way to failure. They build a profile based off of what is said about you by your leadership, fellow soldiers and family members. Are you following so far? Trust me this is important."
You nod but then kick yourself and answer.
"Ok. I don't get why you're telling me this."
He starts again.
"You aren't assigned anyone. Its left up to the companion. They choose. Most of the time they don't even read the file and go based off feeling."
Ok now you're confused.
"wait wouldn't that mean that the program has a huge failure rate?"
He just chuckles.
"I don't know how it works but we cant argue with results. Now the reason I brought it up is because you seem completely ignorant on what Amelie is trying to do for you."
You roll your eye that you know he cat see.
"Help me with my PTSD by being a live in shrink?"
He lets out a deep belly laugh. One that only comes from something you find incredibly ridiculous.
"Let me give you an example with my situation. My eyes were taken from me in Iraq. Shrapnel. Nothing the docs could do. After being an asshole to just about everyone who crossed my path my leadership sent up my file. Leslie showed up a day later. that was five years ago. We've been married for three. Doug and Taylor out there? seven years from the same program."
you were starting to see why human women hated this organization, it seems they accidentally set up a marriage service. looking over to the half built PC you reply with a dull flat tone.
"That wont happen between me and Amelie, trust me. I don't think ill ever be in a relationship that long."
Alone
You get up to leave, turning from him he says six words that turn your blood to ice in an instant.
"You hear the voices don't you."
Silence. A solid minute of silence. You don't move, afraid you'll shatter with how cold you've gotten. He starts again.
"I had them too. Like small hands sowing seeds of doubt. Seeds of how worthless you are."
He stands up walking to you and says something that makes you feel the sword of Damocles over your head.
"Don't let that voice poison you to the point of hurting Amelie. I can tell you're stronger than that. We all have that voice and we beat it. You just have to beat yours. But I'm not saying to do it alone."
Brian leaves you. A statue cemented to the floor. Dead man's stare at the floor. Only one thought comes to you.
'He knows about the voice...What else does he know?'
-Amelie-
It's been a little while since you've seen Anon and you're getting concerned.
'Did I push it too hard too fast? Oh God.'
You make your way into the apartment and start checking places he could be. Not the laundry room or the kitchen/living room. Maybe his room? Most likely spot to be honest.
You knock on the door and don't hear anything. Checking to see if it's unlocked its surprisingly open. Taking a quick peek in you notice two things. His room is a mess. Clothes all over the floor, trash scattered everywhere and gear in random places. The second thing you notice is on his bed. You can hear him sobbing. Rushing over to him and keeping your voice low you begin to speak.
"Anon? What happened? Are you-"
You weren't able to finish your sentence. Cut off only by blinding speed and an embrace that squeezes the air out of you. All you can do is stay still and hold him back as he sobs into your chest.
"Shhhh, it's ok. I'm here. It's ok."
Repeating yourself over and over again you stroke his hair and you only feel concern and sorrow for the man clinging onto you like a life line in a storm. You don't know how long you held this man and it didn't matter. All that mattered to him is that you were here for him. That's all that mattered. Even during the moment you had no idea what this would mean to him.
-Next day-
-Amelie-
Anon didn't talk much during or after he finally let you go. Just soft pleas of apologies and remorse for keeping your from your friends. That didn't bother you. You apologized to your friends and they left without any hassle. Brian did act strangely though. You'd have to talk to him later. First you had to make sure Anon was ok.
He was sitting upright on his bed and looked like he had calmed down a bit. Now to ask some questions. Also apologize.
"I'm sorry for forcing this on you. I should have guessed that this was probably too much too fast. Again I am sorry."
He turned to look at you, eyes red from crying from when he woke up. With your more sensitive ears you heard when it started. 0400 in the morning. He woke you up with his crying and talked to him through his door this morning. All he did was apologize. All you did was say it was alright. He began to speak.
"It's ok...I was actually having fun. I...I just let some thoughts get to me and I ruined the party. Pretty much usual for me at this point."
Now that was not something you were expecting. Him opening up about some of his past.
"What do you mean usual?"
His eyes moved away from you.
"It just seems every time I have something good going for me I mess it up or life decides to take it away. I'm just so tired of it."
Now was the time to break through. He needed to talk about this and open up to you or to anyone. You say two words, hushed and with as much sincerity behind them as you could muster.
"Tell me."
That was it. He broke down into tears again and hugged you. The flood gates were opened.
"I'm so tired of being alone. Scared that this is what my life will continue being. Having people in my life that care about me just taken away."
and then he whispers.
"I don't want you taken away."
You hold him tighter. You need to keep this going. If only for him to feel more comfortable about opening up to you.
"Who was taken from you? If you don't feel comfortable telling me..."
He cuts you off.
"I hear a voice. MY voice. Always there...always waiting to make me remember."
You place your muzzle on top of his head and stroke his hair.
"What does it say?"
He seizes up before saying something that makes your heart weep.
"I'm nothing, worthless, disgusting. That I'll die alone. I'll never be happy. That I'm so broken that I might as well be dead."
He sounded defeated like the voice he was talking about had finally broken him. You weren't about to let that happen. You've seen how he can be. It's time to tell him.
"That voice you're hearing is a liar. It's wrong about everything it's ever told you."
He pulls back and looks you in the eye and says one sentence that feels full of hope and worry.
"I'll tell you when it started."
-Anon-
The last 24 hours have been a rollercoaster of emotions. Nervousness, happiness, Joy, fear sorrow all rolled up into highs and lows thrashing you about in a tempest held inside you. Amelie had shown up into your life without an invitation, un-invited. You didn't want her in it because you thought you could handle everything else that was shit in your life by yourself. Like before the Army. When your parents kicked you out at 17 or when you found out that the girl you were best friends with and loved had passed away in sophomore year of high school. You thought you were indestructible. An iron wall that could with stand the passage of time.
Amelie changed that. She had proven to you that everything that happened just was tearing down everything that you were. She was there when you cried and waiting patiently for you when you snapped at her. Laughed at your terrible jokes at the BBQ and was now holding you while you cried. She deserved to know when the voice started. All those years ago when you thought you had killed and buried it with sheer force of will. If what you had started feeling for her was real than she needed to know. Sitting back you use your one eye to look at her. Even with sorrow and pain from what you've been telling her she still looked gorgeous.
"The voice...My voice...It started when I was 16."
She didn't say anything, just listening like always. So you continue.
"There was a husky, Lucia, she was a year older than me. We had known each other for years and were connected at the hip. I felt something for her but could never tell her. I never got the chance."
Alone
You push the voice back and continue on.
"We had a fort in the woods where we lived. It was next to a river that we'd go to. Rebellious teens and everything that goes with it. One winter day I had gotten detention and told her I'd meet her there. When I got there she was...She was under the water. I...I tried so hard to bring her back. CPR for 30 minutes. I called 911 and they told me that they couldn't do anything when they got there. That's when I started hearing it. Whispers at first telling me it was my fault. That she was gone because of me..."
The tears started again. Flowing from the only tear duct you had left and staining your shirt. and only one thought broke through the others.
'Amelie is just like her. Just like Lucia.'
Lucia's dead because of you. They're all dead because of you. You deserve to be alone.
-Amelie-
'Holy shit.'
This went way past the what happened while he was deployed. Everything is starting to make a little more sense. Why he tried to avoid everything that would probably remind him of the shit hand life had given him. Well god damn it you're not taking this lying down.
"Anon. Like I said that voice, whatever it's saying, it's lying. Every word or thought its put in your head is nothing but a lie. You did everything you could. Not just now but everything that's ever happened to you you've fought against. Screamed and clawed against the sheer hell that life has thrown at you. I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here for you."
-Anon-
'She won't leave.'
she will.
'I...I wont be alone.'
You always will be.
You look up to Amelie. Her brown and golden eyes are watering. She's crying. You can only think to do one thing. That was to hug this stupidly warm shepherd. Why do you feel like you love her? You've only known her barely two weeks. Wait. Love?
'Do I love her?'
That's a stupid question to ask yourself. You already know the answer.
She gives you that warm smile of hers.
"Of course Anon, you don't need to thank me for something like that."
Feeling like a new man you get an idea. You remember a project that was left half finished the other night. Might be a good a time as any to finish it seeing as how you got a ton of funk out of your system.
Useless.
Ah there was still that. You look over to Amelie and for the first time in a while you don't feel so empty. It wasn't much but if she was here you actually felt like you weren't worthless.
"Hey Amy, we never did finish that computer did we?"
She perks up a bit at the suggestion.
"Are you sure? I mean we just kinda had a moment...but if your sure..."
You give her a smile, one that actually felt genuine in amongst all the empty one in the last few months.
"Yeah I'm sure. Plus it's something we can do and talk at the same time."
She hops off the bed, seemingly with boundless energy. She pulls it in a bit looking slightly embarrassed.
"Alright Anon, lets get on it then. Oh and by the way, do you want help cleaning your room? It's just kind of a mess."
Looking to her around the room and to her you can definitely see where she's coming from. This place had become a wreck. Probably because you were and still are fucked in the head.
"Uhm...yeah just...not right now. Let's just focus on one thing at a time. Okay?"
She keeps a smile and relies in earnest.
"That sounds good, now c'mon!
She bounds out of the messy room and you follow.
She's still not good at this, terrible actually. You can definitely still see her mind set of 'if it doesn't fit, Make it!' Needless to say she almost broke a few hundred dollars worth of motherboard and CPU. She was actually getting the hang of it though.
"Yeah that's right. Then this Ram stick goes?"
She looks perplexed for a moment before she perks up.
"Here??"
"Yup you got it!"
Really getting the hang of it. The summer shedding was certainly not helping the internals of the machine though. Definitely going to have to grab that air can. After installing the twin sticks of RAM she turns to you.
"You know...you never did answer my question on movie night."
You don't remember if she even asked you a question other than if 'it was supposed to be that bad?'
"Oh? Was it 'how was this terrible movie made?'.
She becomes very serious and turns to face you and taking a step closer. Her hand lands on yours and she asks again.
"Do you think I'M pretty?"
You look away from her, unsure of how to proceed. You've been honest with her all day. Lets not break the streak.
"Yeah I do. I can admit that you're pretty."
She stays close and smiles.
"That's the first compliment you've given me."
You turn more solemn.
"No it's not. You're the only person I've talked to about Lucia. That in itself should be a pretty compliment."
This kicks off a conversation between you two. More just her asking simple questions about Lucia and you giving long form answers, reminiscing the days as you speak.
A few hours after you began working on the computer again you finally seem to be finished. Air can used to get all of her fur and excess dust out you check to see if it posts. First time boot, next you just have to install the OS and that'll be that. She'll own her very first computer.
She's bouncing on her feet, too excited to stand still.
"Oh my god I'll be able to write so much faster now!"
You almost forgot that she said she writes.
"Hey...uhm do you think that i could...y'know read one of your stories at some point?"
Immediately she looks like she's been caught in headlights. It wasn't that weird to ask, right?
"Well...uh...I've never had anyone read my work...and i don't think you would like it."
Alright so it's either fan-fiction or smut. Doesn't matter to you, If she wants to keep it private that's her business.
"Alright, That's fine. Well you did mention painting, could we do that later?"
She tenses up a little more this time, seemingly cringing.
"Actually...i have to show you something."
This sounds like she's going to show you some weird fetish thing. You push that immediate thought away and just follow Amelie to her room. When she opens the door there doesn't seem to be anything off. Just a normal girls room that way more clean than yours even with some dirty clothes on the floor. Except a few things seem to be there that shouldn't. A decently sized table that is marred from paint and trying to clean said paint. The extremely small paint bottles and brushes to the side. Then there was the bookshelf. Filled with three factions from Warhammer 40K, The Wolfen, Salamanders and Black Templars.
"Wait you paint Warhammer minis?"
She looks at you like you just said something outlandish.
"You're not weirded out? I thought that this would make you realize that I'm a total weirdo and a huge nerd. That you'd probably make fun of me."
No this wasn't weird. There was something bothering you though.
"No i'd never do that, just confused...I get the Wolfen but the Salamanders and Templars? That just doesn't make sense in my head because it just doesn't seem very...you."
She puffs out her chest in a bravado.
"I like the Salamanders because they seem to be the only chapter that tries not to kill civilians!" She deflates a little. "And the Templars just look cool..."
Well with the limited knowledge on this subject at your disposal you couldn't really argue with her.
"I mean i don't know much but i know that it just seemed off."
She visibly relaxes a bit, clearly happy that you don't see her any differently.
"Well i only really know how to paint these little guys...So if you want to learn i could definitely show you a thing or two."
That sounds like it might be fun.
"Yeah that'll be sweet, but today has been kind of a roller coaster so lets just relax a bit."
She seems to be alright with the suggestion as she moves to the door.
"Alright, that sounds good to me. Just let me know if you need anything OK?"
She had a tone that was worried that you'd relapse into how you were this morning.
"Of course Amy."
Then you walk out back to your messy room.
-2 Weeks-
-Anon-
Goodbyes were never easy. Especially for one like this. In your full dress blues, beret affixed on your head and a crutch under your left arm. The cemetery was packed full of people close to the people in the truck. Crying mothers and failing to be stoic fathers. Friends and far off family to the four others in that truck.
On that road.
Amelie had come along. She was standing next to you and had a hand resting on your shoulder. You had already payed your respect and cried over them. But a closed coffin couldn't let you see them again. Just one last time. You were trembling, shaking in rage and sorrow. Dealing with the lashes of the voice constantly speaking in the far reaches of your mind.
Your fault.
That was the one that crushed you the most. hearing your voice blame you for what happens is drawing you back to a place you barely crawled out of. You promised not to go back. You came too far but still had so far to go. Amelie squeezes your shoulder. She had a way of telling when you were starting to freak out like some calming sixth sense.
The thunderous crack of the start of the 21 gun salute makes you jump. In an instant you're back there.
The road.
The heat.
The scre-
Amelie shakes you again. Snapping you back from your flashback she looks concerned. Afraid that you're going to break down and run off back to the car. For the past two weeks you've opened up a bit more to Amelie. In turn she became a bit of a stabilizing element in your life. Even if she did absolutely hate the movies you made her watch.
'Maybe "Who Killed Captain Alex" was a little too much at once.'
That one didn't go over well. She pouted for a few hours but had brightened up when you told her about a new shade of paint you bought her. At least she was adorable when she pouted. As the next roar from the rifles sound you jump again. Keeping your eyes on Amelie just to show here that you're doing better. A month ago that would've had you in tears.
The final round of rifle fire rings and echoes in the distance. You're still a broken man but at least you were starting to put the pieces of your life back together. Amy had suggested that you start to look for a job for after the Army and you had agreed. They weren't going to keep you on forever. Maybe with only one leg, the have a green beret like that. Missing eye on the other hand. They wouldn't want to keep you. Maybe as an instructor later on.
The Funeral was finished, you had paid your respects but there was one thing left to do.
"Hey Amy, there's one more thing i have to do here. You brought that brown bag from the car right?"
She gives you a smile.
"Of course, I'm just curious what you still have to do. I thought we were only coming here for your friend's funerals."
You give a long winded and final sigh.
"It's for an old friend."
Noah Ware
Born: Jan-12-1990
To: Sept-8-2018
A good soldier and a better friend
Amelie looks confused from you to the granite headstone the was flush with the ground.
"Wait if he was a friend-"
You cut her off by grabbing the bag from her.
"He was my best friend, we went through a lot of shit together. That's just how we talked to each other."
Amelie speaks up.
"Are you not sad? You were crying just a few minutes earlier."
You just sit down in front of the tomb stone, taking the bottle of whiskey from the bag.
"He didn't want me to. He left a voice recording before he went on deployment. Said that he died doing what he loved. Told me not to be a little bitch," you chuckle. "He told me if I'm ever passing by we'll share a drink and that he'll see me soon."
Taking a swig from the bottle and then pouring a little on the ground for him you continue.
"I didn't cry, not for him. He didn't want anything like that. I miss him but it doesn't hurt. It just feels like he's on a long trip and we'll meet soon."
You pass her the bottle and finish your thoughts.
"He would have loved to meet you. Probably would have gotten along better with him than me. He would love to share a drink with you too."
She takes a cautious sip and reels from it.
"Oh god! How do you drink that stuff like its water?"
You just give a warm chuckle.
"Years of practice."
Standing up you take the bottle from her and place it in the grass next to his headstone. He'll need it more than you will. Especially if heaven is full of those Mormons. He Hated those guys. The walk back to the car was somber. Your head full of memories of your friends that have passed. You don't dwell too long though, there are new memories to make. The boys can wait a little longer.
-6 Months-
-Anon-
'This is getting ridiculous.'
There had been a certain tension building up between Amelie and yourself. She had become more erratic when ever you got close to the point of her running out of the room. You've asked about it previously but she said she hadn't noticed anything. On the other hand she's be Hostile to some work friends you've invited over that you've made in the last couple months. You were still nervous in large crowds and sudden loud noises but you were getting better. Amelie had been the epicenter of your growth and you still couldn't truly thank her. You loved her too much for something so small to even come close to how you felt.
Amelie on the other hand had started being just a total nuisance in groups and when anyone was over. Outwardly hostile and almost as abrasive as you were when you first got out of the hospital. It was unacceptable and you were going to get to the bottom of this attitude she's been having lately.
"Anon! I got the snacks you gonna show me that garbage or what!?" ending with a warm laugh.
Saturday. Movie night had become a tradition ever since she suggested it 7 months ago. Recently it had become a competition between you two for the worst movie you could find. It was fun and she even won a few nights by going to the bargain bin at a flea market. That was a cheap shot, literally.
You've resolved that you're going to confront her about this tonight.
Walking into the living room of your home you see Amelie sitting there with a bag full of Twizzlers. One half chewed hanging from her lips she greets you with a smile.
"So what have you come to challenge me with Anon? I'm feeling pretty good about my choice tonight."
This was going to be tougher than you thought. She was just so sweet around you. It didn't matter, you've made up your mind and were going to get to the bottom of this.
"Amy i need to know whats going on."
She cocks her head to the side and looks puzzled. You hate it when she's that cute on accident.
"What are you talking about Anon?"
Right, Direct, blunt and specific is what you need right now.
"I'm talking about your attitude. Recently you've been rude to friends I've had over and you've been avoiding me. I just want to know whats going on."
She starts fidgeting, obviously uncomfortable under the immediate bluntness of the questions.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
This is going to be like pulling teeth.
"Amelie. You know what I'm talking about. What is going on just talk to me."
She's getting aggravated, and starts to tell you off.
"Anon look, it's not important. Lets just watch the movie."
You're not letting this go.
"Just tell me what's going on."
Now she was getting pissed. You've never seen her this way.
"Just drop it! There's nothing going on! I'm fine so lets just-"
You cut her off.
"You're not fine! Why is it so hard to tell me whats wrong!?"
Seeing someone snap in real time is extremely rare. At least for you. Only two people you've seen snap. Lucia when you had gotten into a really bad fight that escalated to a fist fight. The other was your parents. Just when they kicked you out. Right now you were witnessing a third and it wasn't going the way you're expecting.
"Because you're whats wrong!"
Everything fell around you. Just an empty void.
She hates you.
'No...she...It's something else'
She doubles down. Only digging further into you.
"Yes you're whats wrong! Do you realize how dense you are? Have you any idea how many hints I've been dropping to you?"
Hollow, just emptiness inside you. Amelie was everything to you. You were just a nuisance to her?
I told you
'Shut up'
She'll never feel the same about you
'Shut. Up.'
Did you really think she could ever-
Amelie shrinks back from your sudden outburst. Your own ears were ringing from your volume.
"Just...shut up..."
Between both of you, you're certain that she was the one more hurt. That doesn't stop you from turning tail and running. Your room again. Alone. With only your voice to keep you company.
-Amelie-
Anon just exploded. Yes you were skirting his questions because they were about how you were behaving. Why was he so dense? Why couldn't he see that you were madly in love with him? That you were chasing off the females that were trying to get into his pants. Their fake heat packs and how handsy they were was disgusting. Although he doesn't seem to think of it that way apparently. Well, looks like you need to tell him or you're going to loose any chance
Going to his door you knock lightly, you can only hear his labored breathing.
"Anon...can you hear me?"
The labored breathing turns to quiet sobs. Ignoring the hurt that he's in you push through. You have to tell him the truth.
"Anon i didn't mean it the way that came out. You know that i speak before i think and...you were pushing i a direction where i don't think i was ready to admit the truth to myself."
Here goes nothing. Can't wait to blow the rest of my chance if there's any left.
"Anon the reason why I've been acting the way i have and been so distant...It's...It's because i love you."
-Anon-
Silence. There wasn't any sound in your head. Not the screams of your own voice. Not the worries of your own conscience. Nothing. There was speaking coming from your door. You didn't care. Amelie was probably just trying to save face saying it wasn't you but her. There wasn't anything she could say that would break through.
"It's...It's because i love you."
What?
What did she just say? No, there's no way. No. She means that as a friend.
She could never love someone so broken
Weakly and not even lifting your face from your hands you answer.
"Do what you want."
The door opens slowly and Amelie walks to your back. She takes up a kneeling position next to you. Then she begins to speak.
"Did you hear what I had to say?"
She sounds almost as empty as you do. If she didn't feel anyway towards you other than being fed up with you than thats fine. No reason to get upset. You'll move on just like before. Just slightly more empty than before.
"Not really. The door muffled you and my ears aren't what they used to be."
She looks to be steeling herself. Readying to be hurt. You could never hurt this adorable shep. Then she starts speaking.
"I said that I love you.-"
Your brain functions cease. The rest of what she's saying is lost and you just sit there stunned. When you speak you interrupt her.
"You...love me?"
-Amelie-
He seems to just be confused. Just staring at you and bewildered at what you just said.
"Y...Yeah. I do..."
He starts crying. Full blown sobbing. The only thing he did from there was slump down and lean into you. You grab him and hug him. He latches onto you and just sobs harder. Then he starts to speak.
"I...I'm sorry. I thought that..."
You shush him. Start to comb his hair with your claws. Just trying to calm him down. He doesn't say anything else. You just hold him. However long he needs. He doesn't stay crying for long. going into whimpers and then soft breathing. He's fallen asleep in your arms. In fact you feel tired as well.
'Maybe just if i rest my eyes.'
-The next morning-
-Anon-
When you wake up you're suddenly aware of two things. One you were in your bed and it was hard to breath. Two was that Amelie was on top of you.
'Oh god. She's going to be- Wait why is she here in the first place?'
Last night comes rushing back in an instant. Movies that were never played, The confrontation, the yelling. The confession. Then you remember that you never told her. You start to nudge her awake.
"Amy, wake up. Amy?"
She stirs only slightly, obviously caught in a pleasant dream.
"Hmm no, I'm happy right here."
You decide to let her rest and decide that since she was honest you have to be as well. She's only ever been good to you. Except when you brought friends over. You made a mental note to ask her about that after breakfast and your side of the confession. She has other ideas in her dream-scape though and starts garbing you tighter and starting to mumble more.
"A-Anon no. I'm sensitive there..."
OK, yeah that's a hard pass right now. She maybe having a nice dream but you want to actually have a relationship first. Hell you were still a virgin.
Redoubling your efforts you slide out of Amelie's snuggle grip she had on you and make your way to the kitchen. You start to make her favorite, Ham and cheese omelette with double on everything. Hoping that the smell of her choice breakfast and coffee will get the stubborn shepherd up you start to figure out how you're going to tell her. Blunt has been a stellar option for you so far so why not double down? Probably a bad idea. After a few minutes of debating with yourself you decide that the best option would be to somewhat surprise her in a way. So you prepare your mind.
-Amelie-
'Now that was a GOOD dream.'
Anon was shirtless...again and you were at the near by lake. Alone. Shaking off the remnants of the more raunchy than usual dream you start to notice your surroundings. You weren't in your bed. You were in Anon's bed. PANIK. Wait, where's Anon? Plus all of your clothes were on.
'So at least nothing happened that you would be embarrassed about. One thing really starts to stick out though. The smell of breakfast and coffee was wafting through the house. Well Anon wont be hard to find.
Walking into the dining area you see Anon at the stove. He might be the best cook but he fuckin kills it with his omelettes. A mug of coffee was already at the table, seemingly already mixed just the way you like it. He always did that. What a sweetheart.
'Wait a minute...didn't you tell him last night that you...OH GOD.'
You threw him into a emotional brier patch last night, and still made you coffee the way you like it. Anon walks over and places a plate of an omelette, toast, and hash browns. He doesn't walk around to the other side of the table and sit down with his own plate but went back to the kitchen. he started talking.
"How'd you sleep love?"
You really didn't register what he said, still groggy and slightly suspicious of how lax her was being.
"I slept fine, thank you for bre-...What did you say?"
He turns around with a single eyebrow raised. Looking at you quizzically with his one eye.
"I asked how you slept?"
"No the part at the end. Did you call me...love?"
He starts to smile like a kid who was caught making a present for their dad's birthday.
"Yeah, I did. I never really had a chance last night to tell you how i felt towards you. So I think now is a good a time as always... Amelie Lorelei, I'm in love with you."
Hands go to your mouth, covering the smile on you muzzle and tears start to sting at the corner of eyes.
"Do you mean it? This isn't a dream or some messed up prank?"
He strides up to you and takes a sip from your coffee cup. He seems way too laid back for this-
He kisses you on the forehead and after he breaks the contact he goes to one of the ears on the top of your head.
"Amy I do love you. I knew that I loved you since the first attempt at that PC."
Reminder to yourself to purge the history of the Chinese pottery forum where you asked how to get a human guy to notice you. Not to mention all the human'd web pages you have bookmarked.
"When were you going to tell me?"
He leans back a bit and his features become darker. Something weighing on his mind.
"I was certain you didn't see me that way. I was afraid it would be a loveless situation like one of my previous relationships. It scared me."
You give a knowing nod. Now it's for the bigger question.
"So...what now? Are we a couple?"
He snorts laughing and your left dumbfounded obviously having missed the joke. He gives a swift answer to his sudden outburst.
"I was waiting for you to just announce to the world that we were dating. Seriously though...I'm still pretty messed up, up here-" He taps he side of his head. "If you can deal with that and still find it in your heart to be with me-"
"No. Shut up. You're not some pity case. You're a strong and handsome man that just needs some time to heal and someone to be there for you. I don't want to be just that. I fell in love with how you love awful movies and dealt with my dumb word vomit when we first met. I love you for you and I want to see where this goes for us. So don't consider this a warped sense of pity. It's not you stubborn idiot."
He turns back to the kitchen and starts making his breakfast.
"I'll have nightmares and 4th of July coming up will be hell with me, are you sure?"
You get up and hug him from behind.
"I wouldn't have it any other way."
-1 Year-
-Anon-
One year since you and Amelie had become an official couple. An entire year of hardship and struggle. Mainly from your end but she's taken you in stride. Dealing with your strange habits that have started to come back and not to mention your sometimes crippling PTSD. A few nights were really rough when you woke up from your nightmares and accidentally swung at Amelie. You never hit her and you probably would never forgive yourself if you did, even though she would forgive you without a second thought.
There were troubles in your relationship yes, who didn't have troubles? Moving had been a stress she wasn't used to and you were really the only person at the time she could vent to. Its a good thing this was something you were used to and could be someone she could lean on.
To celebrate the move to the gorgeous mountains of Montana you were drove to Helena and were at a high end restaurant. She was curious why you two were here and didn't just celebrate by yourselves in your more secluded home. She would get her answer, as soon as you worked up to pull out the small box that feel like it weighs 800 pounds in your pocket.
Desert. It took until desert for you to swallow your nerves and look her in the eye. You caught her in the middle of chewing on some cheesecake, she just like the caramel. She swallows.
"What's up? Why are you staring at me?"
'Now or never, lets do this.'
"Amelie, you came to me when I was less than a man. When I was broken and didn't see a way out of where i was. You changed all that. You changed me to be a better man."
She looked at you with loving eyes, always so full of warmth.
"OK what's going on? Did you break one of my minis? I wont be mad you didn't need to do all of this just for an apology."
You fish the small box out.
"I didn't break anything but I'm afraid you will when i ask you this."
Truly perplexed now she just keeps trying to guess if you did something.
"Seriously i wont be mad just tell me what hap-"
She's cut off when you take a knee next to her and open the box with the simple band and stone. A simple diamond affixed on a silver band. Simple, just the way it needed to be. Your relationship wasn't complicated and neither should it be.
"Amelie, i know I'm not the most handsome man, the strongest or the smartest. But that wont change what i feel. So I need to ask you. Will you marry me?"
She was quiet. Hands over her muzzle. She was starting to cry and only whispered one word.
"Yes."
People were starting to stare. It didn't matter. The only thing that mattered is that you had gotten the answer you ever needed to hear. The one you wanted since you first fell in love with her. When she saved you.