Podcast

Mercury leaned into the microphone. He spoke in a deep sultry voice. “Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first episode of Villainous. Where we discuss the history of Villainous Activity and the secrets of the trade– ”

“… why are you talking like that?” Desolator interrupted.

Mercury paused the recording. “I’m recording for our podcast.”

“What is a podcast?”

“Well, I put a recording of our conversation up on the internet for people to listen to.”

“… and people listen to this?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Something to do instead of work.”

“Fine, but why are WE doing it?”

“If we get popular people get paid.”

“How much?”

“If we get a lot of traction? Millions.”

“… Continue.”

Mercury turned on the recording again. “Where we discuss the history of Villainous Activity and the secrets of the trade. I’m your host, Mercury the up-and-coming star of the Five–” Desolator rolled his eyes. “–with me today is my boss, the legendary assassin, Desolator.”

Mercury gestured for Desolator to speak into the microphone. Desolator leaned forward uncertainly. “Hello?”

“Our topic today is: The Warlords: What happened? Boss, you were an eyewitness to the end of the Warlord era in America, can you tell us what life was like?”

“Hell.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“Imagine all the services and bureaucracy you now take for granted and bitch about in the hands of an oligarchy so personally powerful they do not care for even a veneer of political legitimacy. You are not their citizens, you are their subjects and everything you own is only allowed to you by their whim. It was Hell.”

“Why did people choose to live under the warlords?”

“They often didn’t. But it was hard to leave the place you were born in. Gas, electricity, it was more precious than gold in those times and the warlords guarded their stockpiles jealously.”

“But the federal government still existed right?”

“Mostly on the East Coast, but yes. Their military doctrine was finally reformed to account for quirks when I was a young man. They only successfully repatriated the Rust Belt when I was 20. There were exclaves all across the country, of course, isolated pockets of Federal Authority. Like Cheyenne Mountain, Area 51 and–”

“What’s now known as Gehenna Valley?”

“Yes.”

“How did people feel when the federal government returned?”

“… there’s no one answer. As bad as some warlords were, others were benign, even benevolent. One warlord, Sir Arthur of Topeka, even surrendered to the US unconditionally when he saw it would be able to protect his people.”

“Huh… did many other warlords follow his lead?”

“No, he was immediately tried and convicted for treason. This set back the Reconquest a decade at least.”

“Shocking.” Mercury deadpanned.

“He was eventually pardoned, but it took years. He wasn’t the only benign warlord though. Wide swathes of the Midwest felt that their lives got worse when the federal government reasserted itself. I suspect that’s blind nostalgia. In Arizona, my birth state, people celebrated a return to an, at least superficially, accountable government.”

“In school, they always told me that Grandpa Slow designed Gehenna and the Warlord Era ended. I have a feeling it was more complex than that.”

“Gehenna was built before I was born, you tell me.”

“Really?”

“Gehenna was built 30 years before the last major warlords were killed at Tuscon. It certainly helped end the Warlord era, but to say its design did it on its own is a ‘lie for children.’”

“A what?”

“An old term, it’s a ‘gross simplification of a complex topic to communicate core principles.’ It is true, that as soon as Gehenna was built, the idea that the Warlords were a permanent crisis was unlikely. But not all warlords surrendered, nor were they immediately captured.”

“Most would never even see Gehenna as I understand it.”

“It’s true. Most warlords met their end at the hands of the other warlords. I’d say the US killed or captured 30% of the active warlords during their reconquest. The rest were killed by infighting.”

“And the last were killed at Tuscon.”

“… a clumsy segue and also incorrect. The three warlords killed at Tuscon were The Master, Big Mama, and Conquest. They were the last warlords with a realistic chance of opposing the US’s reconquest, but they were not the last to die.”

“Could they oppose the US? They were that powerful?”

“Not in the personal sense, no. The three of them were rulers, not warriors. They had infrastructure, manpower, and even basic political systems. They were less warlords and more the heads of illegitimate states. Their military might combined could've stalemated the United States and jeopardized the entire Reconquest.”

“… It sounds like they weren’t so bad.”

“They were vile. The Master was a horrifying sadist. Conquest was a bloody-handed tyrant. And Big Mama was a voracious cannibal. They were such horrific people that perhaps it made hard decisions easy. Or perhaps their sick appetites just drove them to build states that could support them. No matter the reason, they turned territory, not into tributary sources as other warlords did, but into an economic base. It was perhaps fortunate for the US that they happened to be together in the American South West.”

“How so?”

“They were stuck fighting each other tooth and nail for territory. If they had had the room to expand, I imagine we’d have 3, maybe 4, nations in what is now the continental US instead of one.”

“… May I ask something personal?”

“Go ahead.”

“Why did you choose to kill the Warlords? I understand you worked under The Master at the time. In a pretty high position too.”

“He called me ‘Valet.’ My actual position was head of security.”

“… your codename was Valet?” Mercury stifles a laugh.

“It was.”

Mercury swallows his laughter. “Really? Head of Security huh? I had always read you were his second-in-command.”

“No. That was an outright lie concocted by the media to make my betrayal seem more dramatic. His actual second in command, Butler, died with him at Tuscon. But as to your question, ‘Why did I betray him?’… He visited numerous indignities upon me, but I confess I only used those as justifications, it wasn’t my real motivation.”

“Then what was?”

“The birth of my first child.”

“Did the Master threaten her or something?”

“No. He wasn’t a fool. It was the world he built that was a threat to her. I’m a predator. I had to be a predator to thrive in the warlord era. We all did. In that era, the herd, the clan, whatever you want to call the natural state of humanity, lived only to be devoured. I didn’t want my little girl to have to be a predator. She deserved the right to be human without the certainty of being devoured.”

“…”

“Mercury?”

“That was… more personal than I was expecting Boss.”

“Don’t look so stunned. It’s no secret. People are just rarely in a position to ask me.”

“You don’t think your answer’s a bit… embarrassing?”

“No.”

“Fair enough. So, you decided to kill the warlords, but how?”

“I had to find allies. Jabberwocky worked as the top Enforcer for Big Mama, he was called…” He sighed. “‘Moonlight.’”

Mercury snorted.

Desolator ignored the snort. “We hit it off, partially because I was the only other crook at The Master and Big Mama’s meetings fluent in ASL. He later introduced me to Anansi, who was working under Conquest.”

“What was his name?” Mercury got excited.

“No.”

“No?”

“This is a public broadcast and I refuse to humiliate the man. The three of us found two other allies, they asked that their involvement never be made public.”

“Why’d they want to overthrow the warlords?”

“The two anonymous members told me, but I’ll respect their privacy. Anansi never said, but I suspect he wanted Conquest to die screaming. Jabberwocky… had the same reason I had.”

“A kid?”

“His son. Jabberwocky feared what Big Mama might do if he ever died in the field.”

“To… a kid?”

“She was an unrepentant, voracious, cannibal. If you weren’t useful, you were food.”

“The fuck?”

“She was the most monstrous of the three. The Master and Conquest were megalomaniacs, but she was genuinely ill. I sometimes wonder if the anti-mutant sentiment of America isn’t at least partially fueled by the memory of her televised banquets.”

“But she was able to hold a kingdom together? Despite her...”

“Sick people can be pretty good at governance. It’s a sad reality and Big Mama was one of those people. I suspect her madness is why she was immune to Jabberwocky’s voice. Anyway, the five of us planned to get them all in an enclosed space.”

“Why an enclosed space? Why not just pick them off with a rifle?”

“Anansi’s illusions. He’d neutralize the guards if we got them close enough together. As for why I wouldn’t pick them off, Big Mama’s scales rendered her bullet-resistant and her skull was sloped. There was no guarantee I could get a kill shot. Conquest also couldn’t be killed with one shot.”

“I’m not seeing a listed quirk—”

“It’s technically classified, but he automatically transferred damage to those personally loyal to him so long as they were within a certain range. As such The Master was the only one I could snipe, but... that’d have been too quick for him.”

“… Is that sadism boss?”

Desolator nods. “I may have killed him for my daughter’s sake, but I allowed myself to enjoy the act. The five of us orchestrated a summit for the three warlords to discuss a response to the US’s reconquest.”

“So, was that Tuscon? The place where you set your trap? How did you talk them into the peace summit?”

“It was Tuscon. I confess it wasn’t difficult to sell the summit. The US’s Reconquest was sweeping through western Texas at the time. Big Mama had already lost territory. The other two knew they were next. They arrived at the summit. We struck. … It was over shockingly quick. Anansi dropped the illusion. Jabberwocky drove Conquest’s guards mad so they couldn’t be ‘loyal.’ Big Mama’s spine was ripped out and…” Desolator smiles. “The Master got to feel what it was like to be enthralled before I gutted him.”

“What happened after that?”

“We went our separate ways. Jabberwocky and I decided to partner together. Anansi went home to Nigeria. One of our anonymous members retired. The other returned to the shadows where they continue to enjoy their anonymity.”

“And the world changed?”

“Not all at once. California still had hundreds of petty Warlords vying for streets. The Pacific Northwest had The Hairy Man’s Empire. It was still a process, but eventually... yes. The world changed.”

“And you stayed out of it? Just went to live life with your daughter?”

“No. Retirement, as it turns out, is not for me. Jabberwocky and I secured pardons and worked for the Federal Government for a few years. We killed several warlords.”

“Including the Hairy Man?” Mercury prodded. No one knew how the Hairy Man died, he just disappeared one day. A favorite theory was that Desolator killed him.

Desolator didn’t know what happened to the Hairy Man, but he never let a good chance at advertisement slip. “Who can say? I killed a lot of people. One of them may have been hairier than the others.”

“Well, that’s all I have planned for our normal segment… I… huh this is shorter than I thought it’d be.”

“I’m quite succinct.”

“Damn right, it’s a problem. Uhhhhh, I guess I could read some questions from the villain board on Quirkchan.”

“Why?”

“Dear D-Daddy…”

“You didn’t vet these did you?”

“how big is your co– oh. I should’ve vetted these.”

“Ask your grandmother.”

“Who’s the hottest heroine you’ve ever fought?”

“Rosethorn.”

“What’s you– okay half of these are asking for your dick size.”

“What did you expect?”

“I don’t know! We’re filling air time! Oh, here’s one! Who’s your favorite hero living or dead?”

“Sun Man.”

“What about living?”

“… Pass.”

“Oh, here’s one you’ll like! Is your daughter happy? Did she get a normal life?”

“Yes and she did.” Desolator smiled.

Mercury scrolled down. He flinched. “I’m scared to ask this one, but is there anyone on the Five you secretly hate?”

“No. I like our team.”

“Wait, seriously boss?” Mercury smiled like an idiot.

“Yes, even you Mercury. Just because I was hard on you at first doesn’t mean I hate you. Far from it. Of our three junior partners I think you have the most potential.”

“…”

“… Are you crying?”

“No! Th-that’s all the time we have folks. Tune in… uh, whenever we have the time for another episode of Villainous!”