az's diary hi 01/04
like 11pm idk

icl my day hasn't been that good but at least it wasn't as bad as the previous two. I really need to get back on my anxiety meds its actually ruining my life not being on them help
im terrified of my mom but at least I get to see my therapist tomorrow. I still have to wait until 3pm though........
school starts back tomorrow
when mom reminded me and i showed surprise she acted all rude like it should be common knowledge that she's cutting my break short when i literally scheduled my week around it. not even the first time lately she's fucked with my schedule. how has she not learned that ocd/adhd/anxiety does not bode well with randomly springing things I dont want to do onto me??
she definitely has some undiagnosed mental disorders like wdym you "only" have adhd/bipolar and you act worse than an unmedicated 14 year old with a billion disorders holy shit. also idk how to classify this but she has such a victim complex the absolute audacity of her to act like im always lying and gaslighting her when my therapist has stated herself that it is MY MOM who is gaslighting me all the time. her memory is pretty shit, i guess just cause she's getting old, but it pmo so badly that she relies on it sm when she knows its faulty.
I hate her ok? im so tired of living here I hope she loses custody i miss my dad sm.
my bf is asleep
ive been thinking about hsr stuff again. i just hsr constantly to distract myself from her. I feel like going outside and crying on the driveway but someone will probably hear me so maybe not. my stomach hurts I need to start taking my meds with food help
i update tomorrow ok
ok wait im gonna write about the previous two days too. not a full diary but whatever ok
so this is what i wrote on the 2nd about my mom's behavior
Mom takes me to Krispy Kreme, and while we're in there two people are fully in the way, in front of the donut display and taking up pretty much as much room as possible. I'm standing there, waiting for them to move so I can see, when the staff comes up saying we can order. I'm already panicking, so I don't say anything, and mom goes ahead and orders. As she does, I'm trying to do the math on how many donuts I can order given the ones she's ordering, but I'm panicking to the point that I forgot what a dozen is, and am struggling to do the basic math in my head. As I'm doing this, I'm spacing out while looking down, making mom think I was messing around on my phone despite the only thing being open being the QR code for my giftcard. Eventually, she looks at me angrily and I say my order wrong, because the woman hadn't moved yet, but thankfully they still got it right.
Afterwards, everything seems fine, but mom refuses to speak to me the entire car ride while doing groceries and going home, and when she does speak she is incredibly angry and snippy sounding. She is visibly and audibly upset. I didn't realize what the reason was, but I know that when she's upset like this she usually yells at me and finds reasons to justify being upset with me, even if it's unjustified (making up rules to accuse me of breaking, making me do things like putting away groceries with an unreasonable time expectation, etc) and will then accuse me of lying or gaslighting her when I call anything out.
I keep panicking, because I don't want to be yelled at or punished for no reason. Eventually, I'm sobbing in the car while texting Kelsey and mom doesn't even realize. When we get home, she finally asks what's wrong while still sounding mad, and I tell her that I can tell she's upset. She pretends she isn't, then says she was only slightly upset because I had been "very rude" at Krispy Kreme. I asked her how I was being rude, and she said something along the lines of "When you ignore a service worker, refuse to speak to them, and only speak to me, it seems like you're implying that they aren't worthy to speak to you" and like?? What?? Where would you even get to this conclusion? Not to mention, I was visibly panicking and stressed out, who sees a 14 year old like that and their first thought is "Oh they think I'm not worthy to speak to them"..?
I tell her that I had been panicking because the woman didn't move, and she insists, asking why I didn't tell the worker. I told her I was already panicking but she wasn't listening to me, and eventually just apologized for "assuming."
now for the third i didnt write anything so im just gonna write it all myself rn
so for a little bit of backstory, i have an infection and my cat has two cracked teeth and is awaiting surgery.
mom takes me to target to get me a computer mouse after i became upset because of the doctor at CVS making us reschedule. we arrive at target and she asks if we should go to starbucks, I say yes, we order, whatever, and then walk around the store chatting for a little. then we go home, and I accidentally spill my coffee onto the rug that my mom and I have been wanting to get rid of for ages. She reminds me that we can't get rid of it very angrily, then offers to help me clean it, but things like this have happened before and what always happens is her yelling at me until I cry, so I decline and go to my room. I keep sobbing because I'm realizing I can't do anything about the filth I'm living in. eventually, she has to come back and give my cat his pain medicine, so i leave the room while she does that. I'm still visibly upset and she asks what's wrong, I say I'm stressed, and she goes away. She comes back a few minutes later and asks what I'm upset about, and even when I tell her I don't want to say (because in the past she's gotten upset or yelled at me when I pointed out her behavior (i.e. that time she told me she would be fine if i never went to her house again after I brought up things she had done to me)) but she keeps insisting (the same way she did when she forced me to "open up" about my SA!)
my therapist had been encouraging me to tell her about being scared of her due to her yelling and being angry, so I tell her that that's what I was upset about. She makes me tell her exactly what I had done in a super patronizing tone, then goes quiet after I tell her that I'm afraid of her yelling. She immediately changes the topic to pin the blame on me for not accepting her offer. evebtually she gets tired of having one-sided beef with her child i guess but insists on putting a towel under my rug so it doesn't seep into the floorboards. She goes into my room and I stay out of it, but I hear her throwing things, shoving things, what sounds like glass shattering, and noises like what you hear in old cartoons of a cat in a garbage can. I go back in and my room and nightstand are weirdly arranged and she tells me she couldn't get the towel under my rug.
OK that's the whole story.
im crying typing it she scares me so much im tired of being yelled at i wish she wasn't my mom
i dont want to wake up in the morning (third time I've thought this this week?) I know she won't understand when i ask her to leave me alone or give me time or at least let me wait to start school until i see my therapist tomorrow. atp I want to run away and go stay at dad's house until he gets back from his trip (I think hes in Norway or sweden?)
but yeah for the 100000th time I hate her and hope she loses custody of me ok bye.
I genuinely can't tell if im the insane one or her because she always insists that we've had conversations i dont remember us having and idk if im just like?? dissociating all the time or something?? or if she's lying/gaslighting me? or just delusional? or something? idk but she's making me feel crazy
if I do run away i won't know what to bring with me. i kind of want to leave everything except for my phone, money, and chargers, but I know that my dad will make me see her again and when she does she will have confiscated all of my things. also yk I just dont want to carry around 30lbs of stuff?
im not gonna run away but when I talk to her in the morning im gonna mention something about killing myself if she makes me do school help so hopefully that'll work
i
son im crine I sound so evil threatening suicide. i just dont know what to do they never listen to me unless i say that. i almost want to run away and make it look like I killed myself by leaving all my prewritten suicide notes from months ago out. these are like. actual suicide notes from when I planned to kms but chickened out.
I think im gonna cut i really want to I miss cutting help
I found out using the plastic things pills come in is actually a pretty good method for when you have sharp objects taken away
it hurts sm im tired of crying and sobbing and all this stuff im tired of her being like this and me being like this and me being alone 2 weeks no therapist i might die 🤣🤣

01/05
12:30am
im gonna have chex-mix
also like the final 25% of yesterday's is from today I forgot to update ok bye
im overheating sm holy shit kill me now
I just got out of bed and I am so dizzy im crine (crying for 2 hours straight core ig)
gonna try and gts now
11:25am
hi i woke up at 8 and scrolled through tiktok and tumblr and Twitter for a while then mom made me breakfast around 10 so yeah anndddd idk but she is making me do school but only 2 hours until therapy so yay! this will be better written later i swearni just got out of the shower
2:40pm
mom was being an asshole like usually but I did finally get to see my therapist. seeing her is always like a breath of fresh air since she's able to see my side even when mom doesn't. I came out hoping to talk to her about how she can help me with school but she was grimacing the whole time, so I didn't think it was worth it. I ask her if she's upset, she says yeah, I ask why, and she begins ranting while walking away from me. I didn't catch a lot of it, which I feel kind of bad for.
mom is going to get gas now and I feel like she's driving kind of crazily, going way to fast. im a little scared lol.
ok anyway
im not sure what to do but im beginning to cry, I miss my dad so much and I'm tired of constantly being on edge around her. Maybe I'll ask if I can go see dad early. Her hair is all messed up, I wonder if she's having some kind of depressive/manic episode. I don't like being around her when she's like this.
Is this what having an abusive parent feels like? lol help
I hate feeling like this
I feel like she's going to get herself in trouble or something or lose her job. She's blaming me for her not being able to work too..?
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her. I want her to get better, for her sake and mine, but I don't know how to. I'm so scared.
she's been ignoring me crying for a while now. she finally asked now but I know she doesn't care. I think she's only asking because a) she thinks I'm just doing it for attention, or b) she wants to argue with me.
I want to spend time with kelsey but he gets so worried every time I mention her acting like this.
I feel like she'll try to say I'm only acting like this because she made me do school, when that isn't it at all.
nevermind on going to dad's, he won't be home until tomorrow evening.
3:14pm
We got home and she parked in the grass, which she's never done before. I'm terrified. I don't know why, but I feel like she might either kill herself or kill me. I texted my group chat that I didn't feel safe and wanted to stay with them, but obviously none of them could. I'm so scared. I feel like barricating myself in my room but I know she'll just get even angrier.
When I go to dad's I'm going to insist on spending extra time here. I can't keep living here. I can tell mom hates me.
I feel like my life might actually be in danger.
I don't want to die.
I'm telling my cats that now. I'll miss them so much. I love them. I don't want to die.
I feel insane. I think it's the mold and cat urine under my bed. I miss Kelsey.
I don't think mom has ever acted like this before.
4:52pm
mom is back out at the car, I dont know what she's doing. I wish she could read this so she knows how scared I am, but she'll probably just say I'm being dramatic.
My room smells like rotten eggs. I can barely even sit in there. I need to ask her to get me a replacement inhaler, since my main one broke, but I'm too scared to ask.
how i feel having to tell my friend I can't call because my mom is acting crazy and im scared she'll punish me if she catches me on call
I cant get rid of the smell of rotten eggs and mold, it's stuck in my head. I think im gonna sleep out on the couch tonight.
son im crine this diary sounds like some fake arg kind of thing
anyway mom is out in the car again.
life feels like a horror movie now holy shit
she just came in and im terrified.
sometimes I think of how our cats really do love her unconditionally. even when im the one being maybe possibly abused(?????) she still has their heart. i know they're cats and dont understand, but there is some deep feeling that comes with feeling more immature than cats. they don't care, but I do?
every time she enters the room i tense up. I know that she hates me, resents me, doesn't want to take care of or parent me anymore. I can tell. I hate the feeling. I miss my dad so much. I miss mom from before she was like this. dad shouldve taken me with him on his trip.
im sitting in the living room to avoid the stench from my room, it was making me sick, but now im forced to be around mom. I dont know what to do, but i dont want to upset her. I feel sick, I think i might vomit.
I would usually talk and chat with her, but every time I've tried to today shes gotten mad, so I won't try. every time she speaks I flinch. I hate her help.
im crying on the couch rn and she is across the room at the dining table, I can't tell if she's ignoring me or just doesn't notice. according to my therapist, there's a pretty high chance she's just been ignoring my crying because it is inconveniencing her. better than getting yelled at though, she used to do that any time I cried because of her.
im hiding in the kitten room now
gonna yap a little about what Heather (my therapist) said

• mom isn't very self aware
• i need to communicate and remind her
• she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong
• she was probably ignoring my crying

she stopped going to therapy a while ago but I think she definitely needs to go back
5:26pm
mom walked in on me crying and ignored it, but did sound kind of annoyed. her friends are coming over around 7, I think shes worried about them seeing me like this. i forgot to do my laundry before they come over, but at least i showered and brushed my teeth. im excited since one of them is bringing pasta, although I was a little disappointed that we won't be reheating the ramen we had yesterday.
I think im gonna go back to my room now, i really need a tissue
OK im back in my room
the smell is a lot less intense but the room still feels pretty stuffy
in 3 hours I have to do my adhd symptom chart ms. heather gave me
I think im gonna start playing hsr again... the grind never stops guys ♡
I was very sad to learn that cyrene will not be having a rerun any time soon, since she increased phainon's damage by 500% when I tested her. sigh. I miss cubey and kelsey. I could text kelsey but even though I miss him I dont really feel like talking rn. I do still have my usagi plush that I pretend is him, so that's good enough I guess
6:29pm
kelsey is the loml guys I love this boy
I know dinner is in 30 minutes but i feel like k could pass out at any moment from hunger i haven't eaten since like umm 11am which i know doesn't sound that long but im a growing boy I am hungry
ok Anyway
i lov kelsey
me and him have been texting for a while and he makes me feel so much better
he was saying I looked super masculine and this is the happiest I've ever been /nsrs
i love this boy
1.5 hours until adhd sheet time
one day until i see dad
24+17 HOURS UNTIL SUNDAY RERUN BANNER
7:10pm
moms friends are over, theyve been talking and now theyre warming up the pasta her friend made for us. she's trying on wedding dresses rn, and she'll be showing us. im still a little on edge, she seems so happy, albeit pretty performative, with her friends, but whenever I even say one thing to her she looks angry.
im so hungry holy shit can this food be done
son im crine
9:48pm
im feeling a lot better, mom is in a better mood. still gonna sleep on the couch though lol

01/06
10:27am
stayed up late last night on hsr, im now at like 101 pulls? but I get another 3 free today. 25 hours until sunday rerun banner!
I had a nightmare about kelsey cheating on me? help? but when i woke up we talked and i felt infinitely better. I love this guy ♡
mom is acting so normal today its almost making me nervous. she did give me some "tasks" today, do at least one load of laundry (already done!) and to get everything I can off the floor. That's fine, but it's a lot to ask when I have 25 lessons to complete just today on MiaPrep.
im in the doctor's rn waiting on my allergy appointment, since I got allergy tested last week.
I lost my preventative inhaler... im thinking about asking mom to let me go to dad's to get my replacement, but he comes home tonight, so im just gonna wait until i go to his house. im so excited to be there again. no allergies, comfortable bed that doesn't smell horrible.
forgot to update yesterday but mom's friends definitely put her in a better mood, she has barely been rude other than a few glares. I love her friends.
they let me try on a wedding dress with them, mom insisted on taking photos which felt weird, but whatever
10:40am
appointment started, the nurse came in to ask the basic questions. mom seemed kind of annoyed, but was smiling when she left, so I think its fine
1:17pm
barely made any progress on school. been talking to my friends a lot. spent some time with ml kelsey
4:31pm
randy got back from surgery, hes drugged up and terrified. i have a fever and feel naseous, the doctor said that was a common side effect but to inform him if i had it. mom left him a message.
kelsey overdosed on ketoprofen and im trying to help him through it since he can't call emergency services or anything.
I was added back to ziah.

1/07
1:13pm
Bad news everyone. Sunday's banner isn't today, it's in 20 days. I sob. I'm still gonna play, try to get more gems.
Dad woke me up at 7 for an eye doctor appointment and my eyes are still pretty dilated. -4/-4 vision core.
I tried to take a nap but was woken up for my psychiatry appointment and couldn't fall back asleep. Both of my main medications were doubled, so now I'm on 80mg of antidepressants and 10mg of Adderall, extended release. fun!
I texted mom twice but she hasnt responded. she promised to send updates on my son (my cat, randy, with the broken teeth), and our foster kittens, but is yet to. She's probably just busy with work.
last night my luka (alnst) 20cm plush came, but he didn't come with clothes, so I ordered him a cute onesie on Amazon. accidentally shipped it to mom's house, so I'll pick it up when it arrives. I got an email saying its already been shipped.
I couldn't talk to Kelsey while my eyes were dilated but I think he's asleep now, he hasn't responded when he usually does.
HSR time I guess?
Or school, but I hate the idea of starting school at 1pm.

0/08
11:47am
Luka's doll clothes arrive today.
Me and Kelsey have texted a lot, I started school work around 10. Yay.
I'm just about halfway done with today's lessons, but I keep getting distracted. My adhd medicine doesn't really help me focus on school. I also need to go do my adhd symptom form for my therapist.
im commissioning some artists
5:39pm
kelsey is kind of annoying me
i need a shower but im still overheating too much